Short in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Had a pretty decent weekend.

Friday: Roll20
Saturday: DDO w/Remus
Sunday: Hung out with Victoria and her kids at their house and went swimming.

Overall, pretty good… and very social (all things considered).

And spending time being social? Being with Victoria and the kids? It really got me thinking.

I am a lucky guy. I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted. I don’t worry about money. I have a house. If my car broke down or was totalled, I could replace it without financial fear. I have a good job. And I have the talents, support, and work ethic that even if I lost my job tomorrow- I could land on my feet. As far as the physical “stations of security” I’m set.

But what I don’t have that I’ve always wanted?? Love, Sex, and a family of my own. And… my brain is saying that the issue there is that there isn’t/wasn’t a guide… a map… a work plan to get it. The other stuff?
(1) What do you want to do for a career?
(a) pursue the additional education needed
(b) apply and apply and apply until you get a job
(c) learn and learn and learn so you can become better
(d) apply and apply until you get a better job (rinse and repeat c/d as needed)
(2) What kind of environment do you want to live in?
(a) pursue careers in locations that match
(b) review housing prices and costs
(c) rent or purchase as needed

But I’ll tell you this: There truly and honestly is a significant portion of me that wonders if I’m just too late. If my window for a fulfilling sex life was 17-25 and my window for finding love was 20-35 and my window for having a family is 28-42. Honestly… as far as the divorce goes, that’s the only thing that actually makes me sad or angry or hurt. All the time wasted. Like… it was my job as the husband to work on saving the marriage. It was her job as the wife to either work on saving the marriage or be open/direct about her intentions about the marriage. The fact that she essentially did a “maybe, okay, at some point, I’ll probably start working on the marriage, maybe, likely, I don’t know” just… it shows how little regard she had for me. That she could just take all of that effort, energy, and time and sit on it… waste it. I know I’m to blame as well; considering that I didn’t pull the plug sooner. But I was married. It is my responsibility to work on things, to try to repair things, to keep “my family” together. And… I’m having a hard time with it today.