Pressure in Current Events

I had to carry the weight of my depression around with me for most of the day yesterday. I felt heartbroken without any context. That’s just the way depression goes I guess. I didn’t let it make any of my decisions. If I let it have its way I would have laid in bed and wallow. I spent the afternoon with my niece instead. Then I met up with Toni to grab a bite and she poured her heart out to me. Same old thing. She can’t quit her fuckboy. She knows the score but still gets hurt whenever he starts seeing somebody else. Of course, he is now seeing somebody else and was caught trying to hide that from her. He lied to her and then made that her fault. I knew it was going to upset you. Classic. He’s 38 and still dates like he is 20 and Toni thinks that she will be the one to tie him down. On some level, she must believe that if she can tie him down she will finally feel good enough. I assume that anyway and she rejected that theory when I proposed it to her. It’s not like he was wrong though, the truth would upset her but he should have respected her enough to not lie about where he is and who he is with. He’s lying to that other girl also. Whatever, I feel too grown to care about this drama. I am just hoping that she gets up the nerve to quit him. She is cleaving to him because she does not want to be alone. She needs to be alone. He tried to explain to Toni that this is what postmodern relationships are now. They’re open. Toni does not have to buy that for a second. We can have different standards and that is okay. She needs to walk away though. This has been toxic for her.

I’ve been wanting to go for a run but all the roads here are being worked on. My gym also closed down. I suppose that I could just drive somewhere to go for a run. The Crossfit gym is still open and I am tempted to sign up. I need a hobby. However, I don’t want to workout with a mask on. They’re not mandatory here. I read that a study was done that showed heart damage in three out of four C19 survivors. The same kind of damage one has after they survive a heart attack. The study was done on 100 people and even those who were young and fit showed heart damage. I should look more into that study. There’s just way too much conflicting information out there. There has been an explosion of new cases in my province recently in our Hutterite colonies. Are those the ones that do not believe in medicine? I can’t remember. I don’t know if I will go get the vaccine if one ever comes out. Now that I know aborted babies are sourced for vaccines I can’t stomach the thought of that being injected into my body. I just can’t. My eyes are swelling just thinking about it. Speaking of swelling, my cat is no longer obese. I suspect that he is diabetic. My chunky monkey :(

I am leaving shortly to get my teeth cleaned. We have been dragging this out for obvious reasons. When I get back I’ll start throwing around more resumes. Toni is thinking about taking a week off from her work if she does end things with her FWB. I suggested that we go camping for a weekend. I need a getaway. A beach day at the very least. She is trying to make the excuse that she needs to stay involved with her no standards FWB until we move in together but she has nothing better to do. I accept the pressure but not for that reason. I feel as though everybody is waiting on me. They are waiting on me. Blah. I got to get gone now. Oh! The second season of the Umbrella Academy comes out today. That is something to look forward to… assuming I can get into it. I can’t connect to a lot of the things I used to enjoy anymore. Music, movies and TV.

Last updated August 01, 2020