Emotions in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I think days like yesterday are about, largely, how emotionally crippling this year has been without almost any support or fix to it. That isn’t to downplay friends and readers who’ve reached out to me but frankly? I know myself fairly well and the plans I’d set for this year were (quite honestly) the best way to cope with the emotional damage/stress of Divorce Plus Work. Several weekend trips to Big City to see friends, mingle with like-minded singles, and do some shopping therapy (as my clothes are, in almost all regards, 10 years old or more). Three big trips, all with different people. Trip One: Work Trip to the Lake. Goal: As a solo trip to a Tourist Location, attempt to foster my social side and hit up areas where locals meet and hang out. CONSIDERING THE RISK TO EGO AND HEART, the next trip was scheduled for immediately after that trip ended. Trip Two: Canada Trip w/my Dad, Uncle, and Their Friends. Goal: Nothing turns a stoic masculine man into a chatty good listener like a fishing boat; the goal was to connect with my Dad and Uncle in these hard times and rather bask in the support of family and the relaxation of sleeping on a boat. Trip Three: JAPAN! Goal: A spiritual embrace of follow your dreams as a healing push post-divorce… I’ve always wanted to visit Japan and, getting Nancy to go to Hawaii FOR FREE was enough of a 3 month fight.... an amazing 10 day tour of Japan was the perfect way to say, “Some things you’ve always wanted to do; you now CAN because of the divorce. It’s not all bad, friend.”

See? I had a good, solid, structured plan. A solid mixture of support, opportunity, fun, and experiences.

With all of that gone, scattered to the wind, and replaced by WORK HARDER, COPE IN ISOLATION… I just… instead of hitting my breaking point and recovering, it feels like the world is a bouncy ball continually hitting the breaking point.

Last night was… okay? Ish? I got home and Nancy was doing laundry and the dog was happy and outside of the kennel so.... that was good. Nancy left shortly after I arrived but had located something I was looking for and also fixed my PC Monitor… so that was good. I took Nala for a walk and played with her outside and Nala was smiling and happy the whole time… so that was good. Then I had a ROLL20 game scheduled and… was a little concerned how the dog would deal with it. So, I put three things into motion.
(1) In making my dinner, I had finished the leftovers in a tupperware container. Knowing that Nala loves licking tupperware of their latent flavors and scents, I hid the container in a corner of the basement.
(2) Nala is absolutely in love with her Food Wheel, so I stuffed a mixture of kibble, treats, and loose meat into it and hid it in a corner of the basement.
(3) Remember me saying how Nala finished an EverLast puzzle in 10 minutes?! (Damn smart dog!) I took some advice from here and decided to FREEZE the EverLast puzzle for 24 hours. I removed it from the freezer and hid it in the corner of the basement.

I was downstairs from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. NOT ONCE did Nala cry, whine, shout, bark, run upstairs to chew things up, or chew anything up in the basement. It was intensely awesome! After 10, she got a little antsy so we threw the ball around in the basement and she was really happy about that.

Bed time plan? I brought in an extra bowl of water for her for the bedroom and shut the door. If I’m asleep and she’s going to chew… then she can’t leave the room I’m in when I’m asleep. How well did this work? Well… good maybe. You see, she didn’t chew anything (and in the bedroom, there IS stuff to chew if she wanted to) so that is GOOD. However, she spent the entire night under the bed. I understand that as Den Animals, a small space like that is simply a place of comfort for her but… I do tend to wonder if “under the bed” instead of “on the bed leaning on me” is something more. As in: is it a sign of anger? Is it a sign of stress that she needed to be under the bed? How is she processing all of this?

Even after I left the bedroom and took a shower and ate breakfast… Nala didn’t come out from under the bed. I put her food bowl and her water bowl in the Three Season Room, Nala didn’t come out from under the bed. I put a mountain of ice and water in a separate bowl and put it on the backyard patio… that got her to come outside. She grabbed the ice, moved it to the yard, turned around and sat at the back door asking to come in. Instead, I went to the three season room and tried to get her interested in the toys and food there (so she knew where they were). She smelled them, ran around the yard to the backdoor, and asked to come in. Instead, I went to my car and left. She chased my car from inside the yard with a very “BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” look about her. Meanwhile, I was envisioning the three most likely Worst Case Scenarios.
(1) Heat Stroke. Whether by stubbornness or stupidity, she refuses to drink water or find shade and either gets very ill or dies from heat stroke.
(2) Being in the backyard and frustrated while unsupervised for so long… she digs her way out of the backyard and goes missing or gets hit by a truck on the highway and is dead.
(3) Assholes looking for training dogs in their fight rings see this energetic smaller dog unsupervised in the backyard and steal her. I never see her again and she is forced to live a life of torture, abuse, and a painful death.

So… as I drove away this morning, those were the pleasant thoughts coursing through my mind.

One thing the Vet told me this morning (as I called her to figure out what my options and avenues were) was helpful. Nala loves her long walks but she is always the Energizer Bunny and raring to go on another one within an hour after. The vet suggested that, if possible, instead of one 45 minute walk… see if I can’t break it up into three 15-minute walks. And that a walk is much better than playing in the backyard. Which is certainly worth trying and considering. Though where our house is located… that does prove difficult. Were I in a suburban neighborhood or in a city with sidewalks; that would be simple. Tragically, walking Nala either requires that I drive to a place like that (which is what I usually do for her walks) or we’re forced to walk on the highway… which I don’t relish for safety reasons. That being said… this is my puppy, and I’ll risk getting hit by a car if it helps her.

So far work has been… stupid. Magistrate decided to just cancel trials for tomorrow. REALLY frustrating because if I don’t have witnesses at the courthouse on a trial date? I immediately lose the case. If Defense doesn’t have witnesses at the courthouse on a trial date? Defense gets a continuance. Magistrate feels like going to a ball game instead of having court? He can cancel with no repercussions. This isn’t universal, by any means. Some individuals behave with more professionalism and a more even hand. For example, some Magistrates say “Each side gets ONE witness-availability continuance; than a ruling in default.” And most Magistrates don’t cancel trials THE WEEK OF, let alone the day before. But… we have to deal with what we’re dealt… and if our Magistrate wants to make sure the citizenry is protected from The Big Bad State… I have to just deal with it.

So that means… the trials I was preparing for that were scheduled tomorrow… have all been moved to SEPTEMBER! So my work day… now… is going to be… almost exclusively… looking into August and making sure my schedule for that month is getting worked on. And that’s my whole day. Other than the obvious and inevitable bat-shit crazy phone calls that we seem to be getting a regular BUTTLOAD of lately. I mean… not that it would be good for an everyday thing… but there is a reason why I honestly think (in part due to what COVID proved we could do) we should have one day a week where we Work from Home. Between my new PC Set Up and my Work Cell Phone… the only differences between Working From Home on a slow day and Being in the Office is (a) I’m easier to find in the office, not always a good thing; (b) I have to wear pants in the office, rarely a good thing.

Aw, poop. Victoria just cancelled Friday. But we can hang out Sunday. That might be better for the dog, all things considered. So, I’ll take that as a good thing. More time to work on house, games, dog training, and everything else. I say that knowing that right now.... there isn’t much else. I spent a bunch of money on new linens and such but I’m still not in a place where I know what kind of furniture I need to re-buy when Nancy moves everything out. ALONG those lines:
I was thinking about what big issues may come up in the Divorce. We don’t have kids and this Divorce isn’t actually contentious but that doesn’t mean it will be free of all disputes. What disputes are likely?
Money: How much of the bank accounts does she get; is she fighting for any kind of spousal support; is there a penalty or some kind of “legally enforceable” action to literally force her to open her own bank account by a certain date?
Possession: Ultimately, she can take what she wants but (1) must provide me a list of what she’s taking; and (2) must have all possessions removed by a certain date. The second of those will be the difficult part.

Excellent Cosplay from Osaka:

And this is a Vampire Cosplay from someone in Iowa. This is kind of what I want to/hope to be able to do… find people in Iowa and make friends with them so I can be less nervous about cosplay and maybe actually have a social circle.