I didn't sleep in Journal

last night. I probably got up at least 6 times, although I lost count.
I was thinking about my horse, Cloud. The feeling that I was experiencing throughout my pregnancy and postpartum recovery; I was so looking forward to getting back in the saddle. It was one of the things that really kept me going during those long, lonely days of pregnancy. It was my horse, and Judo, that kept me from being completely hopeless about giving up everything.
Cloud is and has been one of my biggest accomplishments. I think that is why he gives me such joy.
He is a very large, immature horse. He was neglected both physically and in his training- so he requires a lot of skill to work with. He was untouched when we got him. I committed more of my time, my resources, love, my life into him than I did into any other thing, aside from my husband. I turned him into a competitive dressage horse. I taught him to lunge, to take a halter, to pick up his feet, to accept dentistry, to take a bath, to do the untold number of things it requires to make a horse civil.
And, my mother knows this.
But, she is still getting rid of him. Mom told me a couple weeks ago. She made the decision only after I expressed my concern over the choices she made throughout my childhood. She’s getting rid of him, to the day, almost, that I am well enough after my birth to start riding again.
She chose the timing so perfectly.
She couldn’t have devised a more fitting way of saying Fuck You to me, if she had tried.

And, I’m not saying she did try. The very sad, very horrifying, very haunting fact of the matter is, she probably has absolutely no conscious idea why she’s doing this. In fact, I can almost guarantee that.

I have committed to telling the truth. I will do it. I told her the other day, when she asked to come over, that I didn’t feel up to it. That was the truth. I really didn’t.
She then suggested that I have postpartum depression.
Bitch. I thought, although I didn’t respond that way. Can you think of no other reason that I wouldn’t want to be around you? The fact that you are taking away my most beloved, treasured horse, maybe? Out of pure spite.

Ironically, she is too timid and incompetent to load him into a trailer. So of course she asked me to do it. I thought about it for a day without answering.
I thought about saying no. I could easily have said no. In fact it would make my life much easier to say no.
But, I said yes. I’ll do it. But not for her. I will do it for Cloud.