For vs To in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So… not unexpected but… damn I wish I could find someone to help walk Nala!

Wednesday I was in too much pain to function; so Nala didn’t get a walk.
Yesterday, I walked Nala as much as I could. Played with her until my back literally couldn’t anymore. And had to prevent her from being in the basement as I set up to PC since she thought it was playtime and wanted to “take the toy from Daddy and run around”. So… that much bubbling unused energy meant… she wouldn’t or couldn’t fall asleep last night. So… midnight, need to go outside and run! Three o’clock… need to go outside and run! Six O’Clock… need to go outside and run! Which… as intelligent as she is… she really doesn’t get the complex thought of… the less sleep I get, the more pain I’m in, the less able I am to walk her! BAH! So… a very slow, painful, and groggy morning. Followed immediately by a text from my therapist saying “She had to reschedule my phone appointment, could [I] do it at 8?” So.... my therapy appointment happened on my drive in to work and partly at work.

The appointment itself was… okay. Still trying to weigh out what we want to accomplish. For my part: My hopes and goals are to stop cyclical experiences of being completely drained, not restored, and then entirely drained again! Or at least… that’s part of what I want.

The therapist has suggested that in the din and shit of what this year is and has been that I take active steps to reframe my perspective. This isn’t happening TO you; this is happening FOR you. That there is something in all of this that you need to learn, or benefit from, or understand to grow. That being single and alone and still working an emotionally laborious job during a pandemic is of such unique value as to be a situation where one must discover what lessons they might learn in this situation that could not be learned otherwise.

I appreciate the concept. But I’m not 100% on board. And I’ve always been that way. Yeah… what was happening TO Moses versus what was happening FOR Moses. Except… Moses had faith, followed God, and led the Israelites to the Promised Land. But because other people fucked things up; Moses had to wander the desert with them and died having never succeeded in his “lead them to safety” mission. What was happening TO Job versus what was happening FOR Job. Except… Job’s entire life was destroyed and burnt to ash because God wanted to make a point. The fact that Job regained everything he lost isn’t on Job; that shit was taken from him on a whim. What was happening TO Jesus versus what was happening FOR Jesus. Except, nothing was happening FOR Jesus. The abuse, the torture, the execution… all of that was FOR others. And it is very obvious that this is the exact thinking that gets me into the places I get into. This idea of living FOR others creates a world where things are happening TO me. But at the same time… the entire world being on fire? The nation being led by a demented, fascist, felon? Governor Reynolds intentionally ignoring the rising Iowa numbers? I mean… it would be arrogant as hell to suggest any of that was happening FOR me.

But I do need to reconnect with my Buddhist teachings. Yes, I am a faithful Christian. BUT Church isn’t a “soul renewing place” for me. The pain and problem of being (1) an elected official; (2) an intelligent man; (3) a deep thinker; and (4) a Religion Degree Carrying person.... is that Churches are not where I go to be renewed. Someone there will want something from me. Or worse?? Because this has happened before… someone there will be threatened by me and ask me to leave. So a lot of my pain and lack of renewal come from attachments. My job, my romantic life, my status, my relationships. My attachments bring me pain. So I need to walk the 8 Fold Path again. Contemplate under the Bodhi Tree. Find my center.

Which is obviously going to be difficult with my schedule, my case load, and everything else going on. But also- this makes sense. If I cannot simply exist… then I’ll always be chasing the noise. And I don’t want the noise. I want something more than that.

Not that I’ll do this but an idea for a

Writing Prompt: You are almost about to die. The Grim Reaper appears before you and greets you warmly. He explains to you that he has lost faith in Humanity. His role was always one of compassion; but the centuries of being seen as an evil figure have worn too greatly on him. You are his last soul to ferry.
Story Ideas Based On Prompt
(1) The Last Day of Death… how a soul having just passed on, would interact with Death wanting to give up; and what the two of them would do
(2) The Exchange of Death… how a soul having just passed on, would receive the request from Death to take over the job
(3) The Lazy Death… how a soul having just passed on, would encounter Death quitting, the soul returning to life, and a new world where there is aging and illness and violence… but no death
(4) The Romance of Death… how a soul having just passed on, would encounter Death on a day of Self-Doubt that would blossom into a romantic relationship between the two
(5) The Debate of Death… how a soul having just passed on, learning that Death wishes to quit, must convince Death to continue on