Talking For Sanity in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So yeah. Lots of big heavy large over-the-top things happening in the world and my sphere. I mean… the fact that my county has been a perfect example of the disease truly threatening America has been… important.

I mean… if what I post on Facebook is an example of the SOS (it is; I post on facebook what I wish I could find support for in my community)

Meanwhile… despite this being the first day of Open Court… my boss had a funeral so he doesn’t have to deal with it. And this morning- nobody showed up (Defense Counsel nor Defendants)… so.... there’s that. We’ll see if anyone shows up for the afternoon session!

For those of you blessed to be outside of the United States, I encourage you to click THIS LINK for a story and video about the insanity we’re experiencing here. The absolute violent rage about masks. And do you know what is truly terrifying about that?? When you dig into it, do the actual research… really look around at the people that are part of literal and actual “Trump Worship”… you discover the rabbit hole has no end. This VANITY FAIR article seems like satire, it seems like hyperbolic mockery. The tragedy is: it is not. And I am living in a county where that’s a big deal. Because (and I cannot believe that this is true)… Despite the openly racist and obviously problematic Steve King losing the GOP primary for the seat he already fills… there are still signs of support all over. Every day that I drive home, I pass a six foot yard sign saying “KING FOR CONGRESS.” He isn’t even running, he lost his own primary! But that doesn’t matter. What matters is “telling these snowflakes” that “King represents us, running or not.” Uh… which can ONLY MEAN that Steve King’s openly racist comments are what you support since the GOP Political Policies he favors are now the policy movement of his attempted-replacement Randy Feenstra. So the fact that the sign is not “Feenstra for Congress” tells me everything I need to know.

Despite all of that? I still exist. Sometimes, I need to return to that concept. That in and among the absolute devastation of my State (once proudly purple and built on compromise) and my Country (once proud of freedom, free of totalitarianism) is that… I still exist. Strange to say but important. Because whether the United States falls, whether I find myself in the place of a refugee fleeing for my life because “Compassionate Intelligence” has made me an enemy of the State… I need to return to ME. And maybe that is why all of this bothers me SO MUCH. Maybe that is why so many Trumpian Asshats get so fucked up. Maybe what is at the heart of too much of this is the fact that “ME” or “I” is a scary, uncomfortable, impermanent mess.

But it can be tough. I mean… in Ohio, there is a Government Official actually advocating against testing of any kind because he thinks it is “a dictatorship move!” And when people in power are actively, eagerly, gleefully coordinating to kiss Trump’s Ass and Support Trump’s Bullshit in an effort to keep the Trumpian Base Voting.... how HORRIFYINGis that?? Yes, Trump has 91% approval rating among Republicans. He has an (about) 33% approval rating among US Citizens. He only got into office through about 25% of the National vote (when considering the large amount of eligible voters that didn’t vote). THIS is a reason why trying to deal or focus on myself seems… shallow and irresponsible. Less than 25% of this country… the least educated, most hateful, and/or most wealthy… are pushing policy decisions that endanger 60 millions lives (death rate) and may have permanent health consequences for EVERYONE.

And with all of that going on, it is tough to try to bring it back down to the micro as opposed to the macro. Especially since the micro isn’t that much better. I mean… remove ALL Trump bullshit from my sphere? That means “strip away your work environment and strip away present national events “. So that leaves… me, my home, the end of my marriage, my social isolation, and my dog.

So lets discuss that. Victoria came over for a single Dr. Who episode on… Saturday?? I think. She couldn’t stay long because the next day she and her husband were going to go to a “Scene” Event. Code for a kink event where the focus would be inflicting pain upon her which she likes. Obviously… that isn’t for me, and I am mixed on that. I know that people like pain and she is one that finds ecstasy in it. And y’know… a spanking seems fine. But active bruising? That’s… that’s not for me. Blame my work, blame my gentle spirit, blame whatever you want. The most pain or discomfort I want to inflict on a partner is a teasing, frustrating, “I’m not letting you cum yet”… not a “how many deep bruises can I leave on you”. And… it IS a weird feeling. Because the bulk of me says, “I’m not going to apologize for not being the kind of person to inflict pain on a partner.” But there’s this other side of me shouting, “Really? Isn’t it true that you would do anything to please your partner? And if that’s true, doesn’t it stand to reason that you absolutely would inflict pain if that was their pleasure?!” So… I don’t know. Weird head space around that. VERY ASIDE on this… I’m getting some styling done on Saturday to try to make me look better since Court is In Session again so… I’m wondering if I couldn’t get Victoria to take some Bumble/Tinder/Match/OKC/POF pics for me on Sunday.

From “married woman who may or may not ever have a physical relationship with me” to “married woman that has had physical relationships with many men who aren’t me”.....
I asked Nancy over today. Technically, I asked her to walk Nala at 4 since our County Emergency Line has been freaking out about this massive Rain/Thunderstorm we’re supposed to get around 5 or 6. But then asked her to stick around afterwards today (and then come over tomorrow). She seemed… weird about it. Like… She works Monday and Friday but wanted to make sure either Tuesday or Thursday was free?? Which make me think: date. And I’m going back and forth on whether I should ask her. It’s… silly. NOT knowing doesn’t mean anything to me. KNOWING shouldn’t mean anything to me. But both realities bother me. NOT knowing means I don’t know if she’s out finding a new man to take care of her…which does/doesn’t impact things. Yes there’s a man.... “fine, he can deal with your shit.” No there isn’t a man… “Are you at least seeing a therapist?” BUT I think it is fair to say… it is honestly better if I don’t know. Because if the answer is yes? That’s just going to depress me. DESPITE the logical concepts. Because yes. Logically, no duh. Nancy is a woman who is not unattractive and at 40 has no children. Men are going to be swiping right there with speed and gusto! And logically, her acceptance of all of these men (as dating interests and/or sexual interests) reflects nothing upon me. But despite the logic, the emotion would still be strong. I would still be hurt by it and upset by it and frustrated by it. Because our marriage was a constant battle for her approval, attention, affection, kindness, anything. And she shows it to others instead of me. And worse; after finally shoring up the reserves to say “If you don’t want to be in this relationship, we’re through”… I find myself in a constant battle to find anyone who may engage me in conversation, give me attention, entertain the merest suggestion of affection.... all while she continues to have the same showered upon her.

So… I shouldn’t ask. It’s better if I don’t know. But I may still ask. It’s me, after all.

Anyway, I asked her for two evening because I have two separate agendas (among multiple items) and it is easier to tackle things this way.
(1) I am going to speak with her about her possessions and sorting the house.
(2) I am going to inform her that I will start speaking with attorneys to finalize divorce at the end of August
(3) A Netflix DVD I put on our cue years ago so that she could see it came in
(4) We have 4 episodes of SHIELD to watch (5 counting tomorrow’s ep)

So then begs the question… how best to separate those two? Obviously SHIELD and Netflix DVD are two different days. Do I split up the August and Possession conversation too? Or slam her with both of those tonight? These are the thoughts when I shed the MACRO. All that exists in the micro these days are
(1) Dating Failures
(2) Sexual Frustration
(3) Marriage Ending
(4) Entertainment

LETS NOT END THAT ON SUCH A DEPRESSING NOTE

A friend posted the following with a “Plan a Goth Outfit” and… I enjoy the challenge. After the image, I’ll share some of my ideas!

A4$Z
BD5#W
CE(asterisk)Y
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Last updated July 14, 2020