Direction in Riverdale

Avoiding

So I ran into my apt. Because the last downstairs was calling me today and than the last thing I wanna do when I come home from a long day is talk w her about money.

Basically they didn't charge me A YEAR AGO half my rent. My worker gave me the money to pay it but when it was transferred I didn't notice and spent in accidently. Plus I was broke at the time so I needed the $. So I don't really know what I am going to do now. I am scared that my worker is going to judge me and they'll both won't understand and think I purposely spent the money. So I will deal with it tomm.

I'm kind of stressed but I am just avoiding and pushing a lot away really because I can't deal with it all right now. I am not in a great mind state really. One thing at a mother fucking Time really.

I talked to my dad after three years and told him off. Be deserved it but it was a very emotional thing to do.

I talked to my aunt and even though she didn't ask about my dad she was being nosey in other ways and eventually I know she'd try to guilt trip ask about my dad and if she found out what I said to him she's prolly side w him so fuck her. I don't need fake ass stupid relatives that don't really care about ME in my life

So I blocked and deleted both of them off my Facebook.

I need to protect myself I had a moment of weakness after not talking to both of them for so long but they haven't changed or stepped up at all so whats the point? There is none. It's basically done and over for me in regards to having them in my life. I don't miss them or really care about them. They abused me and treated me like shit growing up never apologized and I am not going to pretend nothing happened or even confront them really about it. Just good bye mutha fuckas

Anyways it's been a long week.

I really need to get obsessed with something other than sex and guys and drinking. Because guys are reliable, shit costs money and I just lately want things from guys that they cannot or will not give me and I keep getting hurt over and over and bored and feel alone. I need to take my mind off of it all. But for some reason I am just feeling so much pain about the rejection and lonliness and the way guys are treating me lately. Like shit dispensable and just not consistant at all and it hurts me deeply because I want something consistant and deep and good but I am getting tired of just getting mad or asking for it when they don't fucking get it and won't deliver. Fuck all of them. I just need to do me even if I don't want to. I guess it's because I don't want to face myself and my life right now. I don't know where I am going what I am doing and lack of supprts and friends makes it that much harder.

But at the end of the day I need to find something to strive for. Something to put my energy towards for my life and myself that will help with the pain and lonliness and lack if direction and this deep out of dispair and emptiness.

I have to rediscover myself. Redecorate maybe. Clean up. Get a pedicure. Write more poetry. Paint or something. Do something artistic.

Than figure out what kind of job I want or schooling I wanna take after this course is done.