Opening Up in Current Events

I had a few glasses of wine while visiting my mother yesterday. Apparently wine hits me hard when I go months without a drop. I’m mad at myself for bringing up my goals. It doesn’t feel good oversharing. I share very little about myself not that anybody notices. I’m always talking but I never say anything. She and Kyle tried talking me out of everything I want to do with my life. They don’t think it is realistic or even possible. It’s too late to be trying to start a career at my age they believe. They want me to get a trade skill and just build a retirement but I want fulfilling work. Something that I’m passionate about that will add value to others. The passion will be for me, the service will be for others. I laid it out that I want to get a degree in nutrition and a certificate for life-coaching. I want to be a nutritionist/wellness coach/entrepreneur. I want to have my own clinic. Health and wellness should be the new norm in a post-COVID world. I also brought up that I want to leave the province. I didn’t get a lot of pushback about that one but I still got an earful. I don’t feel good that I shared that with them. It did feel adorable when Kyle said that I’m like one of his kids to him and that he is just looking out for me. I’m not mad at them for expressing their concerns. They care about me and just want the best for me. I have the same concerns as them but I live in a country where I can come from nothing and still make something out of myself. For now. #BigGovSucks

Last night I saw a post that Joel Patrick shared which made me feel some type of way. It was a screenshot of a DM he received. (He’s a black conservative, that is relevant to my story here.) Hello my conservative brother. How does it feel that you will never be fully welcome in the white community? All you guys do is talk about black issues and never about the white ones. The rest of that DM got too offensive to repeat. Joels retort was just that he has Jesus or something like that and doesn’t need the white community to accept him. That is a wound in my consciousness. I am well aware that there are people out there who do not want multiculturalism under a MAGA hat. Racism is real, I’m not out of touch with that. Just feels like a stain on my character sometimes. Back when I was a leftist it hurt a lot more. Then this morning I started to watch Lady MAGA, a drag queen who supports Trump, address the conservative Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin, He was just explaining what he stands for and that he believes in people like Jordan Peterson’s right to believe that we are abominations. That is another wound on my consciousness, being self-aware enough to know that there are people who believe that I’m something wrong in the world. I have as much control and choice about being gay as I do about being ethnic.

I do believe that spirituality is important to the human experience and I compare religions to treadmills because treadmills are great for exercise and toning your legs but you wouldn’t use a treadmill to go anywhere. Spirituality is intrinsic. Beliefs are just conclusions we make about things we do not know. Atheism is just another belief but it has been the job of mystics across all of history and culture to breakdown those beliefs and teach faith. Beliefs are about holding on and faith is about letting go and letting god. The original sin was not Adam and Eve disobeying God. It was that they were not supposed to acquire the knowledge of good and evil. Eve was deceived by the best and as far as I’m concerned, Christians that use the bible to acquire knowledge of good and evil will also be banned from paradise. Of course, this is just another belief and that one just happens to be mine. The job of these mystics was to free you from living in these contrasts like good and evil. We’re all good and evil. If you want good in the world then be good in the world. Blah, I don’t want to get all biblical here for too long. I do prefer the Gnostic teachings when it comes to that religion, Christianity. The 45 books that were omitted and edited to create a different version of Jesus. In the original version, he was more of a guru. He even explained to his apostles that he is not the son of the false god that they pray to before every meal. When he talks about the light he is referring to enlightenment. The I am that, I am is about having a clean heart and mind so that God can work through you, it was a tool for manifestation. God is not within us, we are within him. We can feel his calling but only those with a clean heart and mind can use his power of creation to manifest. I am that, I am. The kingdom of heaven is an eighteen-inch journey connecting your head to your heart. I am not making sense here, I give up lol.

Anyway, I am just trying to air out feeling like an abomination. Life would be easier if I was straight, I used to wish this away. I used to believe when I was younger, that my life would be easier if I just got a sex change and became a heterosexual woman. Luckily mainstream hadn’t seized this notion back when I was experiencing that level of internalized homophobia. I could have started hormones and all that fun stuff thinking it would have given me my best life. It wouldn’t have. It’s my job to like me though. I am blessed to live in a country where I have laws that protect me from real homophobia. I also agree with Lady MAGA that people have the right to be assholes. I don’t have to like it and I don’t but it is what it is and I want to conserve it. I don’t want what the left is selling. We already knew that about me of course. Anyway, I have to move on with my day here. Here is an emo song for ya lol

Last updated July 13, 2020