Emotional Wreck in The day to day

I don’t like that I am having to write so much again. Things had been going so smoothly, I guess it was due for something to mess up and cause chaos again. I called Legal Aid yesterday and left a message with their intake department. They called me back today and told me that he couldn’t answer my question about a divorce clinic being held, but gave me the extension of the person who was assigned my case. I called on my lunch break and talked to the attorney. She said they were trying to put a divorce clinic together on Zoom if I would be interested. I said yes of course. She didn’t have any details as to when this would take place. But hopefully soon. I got off the phone call and just was sick to my stomach. It’s happening. It’s real. This is over. I don’t like change. And this is hard as hell.

I emailed my ex and asked if he was going to get the kids today after B’s appointment with his therapist. He answered back with just Yes. Which immediately let me know he was still pissed per our last text conversation. I got off work and got ready for B’s zoom therapist appointment. I started the zoom just talking to his therapist about what had been going on with my ex and him wanting to start having overnight visits, etc. He was on my side. He is concerned for the damage it will cause B and the behaviors that might come about from forcing him to go over there and spend the night. For a kid on the spectrum this could be devastating as change is hard for them. He suggested my ex join in on the next appointment call if he was willing. I told him I would discuss it with him when he came to get the kids today.

Cut to, my ex coming to the house. Opening the door and basically saying he wasn’t coming in, that the kids needed to come on. I mentioned what the therapist said about him joining in on the next call, and his response was “Maybe.” I asked what that meant and he said “If I’m not working.” Fucking hell. Can you not put an hour aside for your son when it is about his well being? It’s not like his therapy appointments are secrets. We both have an app on our phone called Family Wall that lets me put in all the appointments and activities so he knows when things are happening with the kids.

He went in on how he was still upset about what I said in the text about him asking for them when it was my weekend. He said he didn’t realize we had a my weekend and a his weekend. FUCKING BULLSHIT. I talked about that since the beginning of us separating! He is so god damn ridiculous it’s infuriating. He had sent me an email earlier that had a schedule for visitations that he suggested we start following. Two different ones. Or he said if I had a different one in mind we could consider it. They both involve over night stays of course. The first schedule would have the least involvement of the girlfriend, so if I have to choose one it would be that one.

No one has said that they would never spend the night. Not B’s therapist. Not me. We are trying to work up to that point with B. He is who I am concerned about. And I just don’t understand why my ex can’t seem to empathize with that. B’s therapist is also concerned that if the court asks B what he wants to happen, his response would be “I don’t know.” Because B can’t vocalize his emotions well, especially to strangers. A lot of times even to those of us he loves. I asked his therapist if he could write something up just saying what the concerns are with moving too soon on things. He said he wouldn’t be able to say anything about custody, which I fully understand.

I really want to respond back to my ex’s email with the visitation schedule, but I am afraid of doing it while he has the kids. I may start a draft and send it once he has them back over here. Having all this come up has made it clear to me that there is no coming back for him. I hope that their relationship goes down in flames. And soon. He needs to spend some time with himself without being in a relationship.

I am doing my best to see reason. And step back and make sure that all the decisions I am making are what are in the best interests of my kids. I don’t feel like he is doing the same. He is doing what he has always done and thought only about himself and why he isn’t getting his way. I hope that he is still doing therapy and that it will kick some sense into him sooner rather than later. I just want what is best for my kids and to not totally screw them up over a situation that I didn’t put us in.

Shedding lots of tears today. Don’t know what else to say.