Never surprised. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I still haven't talked to my "friend" and it's been about a week and a half now. I had my birthday and no one made any real effort to contact me or make it special except the people I work with. My Mother sent a "happy birthday" text and that was all from my family which is to be expected. My family never gets to whipped up over birthdays or holidays so I wasn't shocked by lack of effort whatsoever. But yeah, R deleted me off Facebook and I don't know why. We haven't spoke in a week and a half and I went to actually delete her yesterday because she made no effort at all and I noticed she deleted me. I don't know if it's because she felt that since she failed to acknowledge my birthday then nobody else should have made any effort either but I know she saw the pictures I posted before she deleted me so I wonder if she was jealous or butthurt or whatever but it's really sad that we've talked everyday for months and now, she's walked away without so much as a fuck you. I just don't get people at all. I do know that it's probably better for me that she's not around because I feel like she just fed off my pain and enjoyed hearing about the negative in my life. I would hate to think that's all our friendship was but it's hard to believe we were actually friends considering her actions. I was really hoping we were going to have a long term friendship but I was wrong which is pretty fucking typical.

The people I work with made my day absolutely amazing. They got me cupcakes, flowers that smell so nice, flowers and they all signed my birthday card, even my boss!!! I honestly felt so special and loved. It hurts my heart to know that people who have only known me 6 months made my birthday special for me when my family couldn't and didn't want to. My family says that I'm just a bitch and blah blah blah but they don't see what they've done to contribute to me having a shitty attitude towards them.

I hear such negative things about myself all the time and I start to wonder if I'm as big of an asshole as people make me feel. I had an argument with a girl I work with the other night that turned way more ugly than what it needed because she's not a nice person and then she told me I wasn't either and that I was extremely immature when I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She was pissed because I told some people we work with that she banged one of our co workers and even though she told people, she was livid that I had told people. I understand that she was upset but even after I told her I was sorry and I would keep her name out of my mouth but she kept being mean, wouldn't just stop and then I find out she's still talking about it with people!!!! She was saying how she "told me off" when all this happened through Facebook and she was a complete bitch. I just think since I told her I would keep her name out of my mouth then she should do the same! No one even understands what she's pissed about when she told plenty of people all on her own. All I know is she's thinking of quitting and I really hope she does. She's never at work anyway so it's not like we are losing a good employee anyway.

It's just crazy how mean people can be especially over fixable shit. When I hear such bad things about myself, I wonder if it's true or if people are just mean. Maybe I am this horrible person that people make me out to be. I really don't think I am but fuck, I hear negative shit so often that it's kinda hard not to believe it.

It has dumped some snow out there yet again and I had to dig my car out to go to Walmart and get yet another new phone. The last one had severe issues charging, wouldn't connect to the internet and was just all around an annoyance. The new one is starting out alright but I'm pissed that I've lost all my contacts again because for whatever reason they aren't saving to my SD card and I noticed a bunch of pictures are gone. This is just so beyond frustrating. Straight Talk has been the biggest fucking joke and I really hope that I'm about done with this phone situation. I feel like I just keep battling the same problem over and over and getting nowhere.

I have to work in a few minutes but excited because after my class tomorrow, I don't go back until Monday and I'm off Friday and Saturday night. I'm supposed to go out Friday night but we'll see if that actually happens or not. People always tell me that they are going to do shit and don't actually follow through. I wouldn't mind getting to go do something since I never get to but if it doesn't happen, that's okay too because I'm just exhausted. I put in 23 hours between Sunday and Monday and I'm still wiped out. Last night was decent but I still have to come up with a few dollars to make my car payment.

Since I don't talk to R anymore, I've become even more lonely and depressed. It hit me pretty good on Sunday and wanted to drive myself over a fucking cliff. I've realized that I'm never going to be completely happy until I have real people who make effort to be a part of my life without alturior motives. I'm sorry that I am human and without a lot of human interaction, it tends to make me really depressed. I wish I could be one of those people who didn't care and didn't mind being completely alone all the time but it's just not like that for me. I just don't feel like I'm ever going to find people who care about me like I need them to. I envy the people who have real families that care about them and families that actually get along and do what they can to resolve issues instead of just going their separate ways.

I become very depressed right away Sunday morning when my Mother called. She NEVER calls early so I knew right away she wanted something. Well, it takes her quite awhile to finally come out with it and basically she wanted to stay at my house Sunday night since the weather was going to get bad. Well instead of reacting with anger, I hung up, cried my eyes out and went to work. I just don't understand why my family treats me like they do. They know I stay away from them because every time we are in contact, it's because they need something and even when I stay away from them for long periods of time, it doesn't change anything. So, I have my day ruined right before a 12 hour shift. Fantastic. Well then she calls back a couple of times not getting the hint that I wasn't into it and then kept asking when I could expect to get off work and then I finally explain to her that I didn't know, didn't care and wasn't going to ask to get off early. She tried to act all innocent and said that she just wanted to have a sleep over and that I am always quick to think the worst of people. Wow. I finally tell her that she is not staying at my house and she can ask my brother. Well later on she calls back to say that she was going to stay with him and that he even came and got her. I told her to enjoy her night and hung up. My Mother finds that trying to make you feel guilty is how she gets people to do shit for her but she doesn't understand that after they used me for $1,300 I am NOT HELPING THEM EVER AGAIN! I'm fucking done! I do believe that I've done more than my share in helping them, especially when my Mother stopped helping me a long fucking time ago and my Dad has done nothing for me my entire life. It's about time they grow the fuck up and realize that NO ONE OWES THEM ANYTHING! I am just so sick of how horrible they've treated me and take absolutely no responsibility for it and think I should just keep helping them! Wow!!!

I have to leave for work soon but it looks like the phone I just got is going to have to be exchanged as well. It just won't charge over 40% and I'm just fucking livid. I want to cry. I am so tired of piece of shit cell phones through Straight Talk and will never recommend that company to anyone. I've now spent another $130 for a phone and it's just as much of a piece of shit as the ones have been!!!

Anyway, gotta get ready for work now.