I want to write... in A new start

…And there is so much to say but then again nothing to say all at once.

I think I lat wrote after my dog passed away. They found nothing on the necropsy. No big surprise. I got her ashes back quicker than I expected. I still have not removed them from the bag, I’ve only added a couple collars of hers to the bag. Kinda want to do a shadow box with her paw print, a picture, and a collar. The one that was on her when she passed is gone as with the blanket she was wrapped up in. I’m ok, little miss brat dog has been by my side since Carmel got sick.

For some reason I had it in my head I wanted a new car. Figured why not try to take advantage of all these deals going on. Well it didn’t go as planned. Got my car traded in but got a higher payment. I kind of think they had a deal with a certain lender and only tried them so we didn’t get as great of deal as we could have. The car we got has most of the options available. The downside is it has quite a few scratches on it. Nothing major. I vow to pay this one off. We had almost $3000 in negative equity on the other car. We had it for three years, if not a little longer but the interest rate was horrible. So now we have a car payment that actually show up on our report and it’s a better rate. It’ll be a good car for my daughter to drive in four years. But even worse it’s red, a color I NEVER wanted to have on a car. I like the monochromatic colors or the dark colors. Husband told me my dogs can’t go in the car because of the leather seats, well to hell with that they will go with me even if it means we have to get seat covers. I mean I plan on it being my daughter’s car in the future so who cares? Not me!

He had another episode of “I’m leaving, were done.” Oh even better “I think you are talking to someone again.” First off no. It doesn’t work that way. You try to fix things not just run from them. If I was cheating that was one thing but I’m not. I barely even talk to my friends, especially any males. I’m a social person so that doesn’t settle well but I do it. He said he didn’t want the car. Well, I didn’t want the truck at home either so yeah. Whatever. He calmed down and got over it, I think. I don’t know how much longer I should stay in this. I mean would I be happier without him? Probably. Would the kids be happier probably. He kind of acts like a kid most the time and sort of tattle tells on the kids. Really? Can’t you say something to them instead of telling me to have me yell at them? But I am not ready to give up on him. I am scared of a life without him.

Probably taking the house off the market soon. I mean we need to get some work done on it. Fix dry rot, a new roof, paint the outside you know not horrible stuff. I think we can get some people together and have a new roof installed for pretty reasonable. Plus if we take it off the market for even a few months it will be worth more when we relist. People have listed houses around here for over a 100k lately. If it means I put 15k into fixing it if we can get 20k more out of it then it’s a win. Plus, I kind of want to wait to move. We would be able to get a rehab loan in a little over a year and then we could get a really cheap property. My friend that will let us buy their place is worried about where she has her horses, which I understand. She is worried even though they said 5 years that after one they will say bye. After all the work they did to the property. If that happened they would be screwed and I don’t want that. So I need to take down the listing but the realtor will say don’t do it but I think I have good enough reason to do it. I mean only one offer in 7+ months yeah no. Plus… if the husband does leave me I would still have a place because this house is in my name, not his.

I would kind of like to find a job. There are some out there. But I’d rather wait until the mask requirement is no more. Which probably wont happen for a while. I’ve got a lot of feelings towards all this but I keep them in because well it’s not popular opinion. In the end we are all going to have it to some extent, the only question will be how baddly it effects each individual. Hmm the numbers are going up but wait were also testing more no wonder the numbers are going up. But anyway. Back to finding a job. Might try amazon, I mean the pay well and have benefits. Just what I need if I find myself single again. The thing is 13 years of production have really screwed up my body. I probably have carpel tunnel but the drs wont say that because when I asked about it I was having a good day where it didn’t hurt as bad. It could be arthritis but then again I’m only 36 so the drs say I’m too young. So whats my wrist’s/hand’s problem?

Maybe one of these days I’ll have exciting news. That is not today though.