coughs* Yelp, it's been a long time since I wrote in here.
The last few months have been incredibly boring and it weighs on me. I don't do boring: I do shows, camping, traveling, photography, exploring, but I don't do boring. I don't settle well in a routine, but work forces that out of me and it annoys the begeezus out of me. I want to take off a weekend with my camera and my packsack and go ruck a mountain, or walk close to the sea. Not having a car is really, really compromising this.
So, here I chunk coffee cup on coffee cup, dreaming of NYC again, and Vancouver, feeling that wind that picked up on my way to Stanley Park, remembering these two otters holding hands as they drifted on the current in their aquarium. I remember that storm that rolled in in Newfoundland and tore the lsland apart and oh my god, am I missing this.
I'm missing the escapism and this job is sucking the life dry out of me.
Things aren't going well on other front. My life sucks, this winter. No matter how 'warm bath' therapy I take, or no matter what cortisone the doctor uses for my lungs, I am stuck with a bronchitis-wannabe pneumonia that doesn't want to shake off, disappear. I'm about to start seeking warmth as my escapism next winter because I can't do this again. I can't run, even in a gym, because my lungs are dead. The smallest of cold air that reaches my face sends my lungs into a full blown bronchitis attack and it's spiteful. On top of that, you have my splint shins that are killing me so yeah, it's not my best winter. I'm basically paying for gym and I can't go because it's too cold outside. Gah.
The more upsetting I think is I'm not getting married this year, after all. It drills a hole in my heart every time I think of her. she was my soulmate, in maybe her own twisted ways. She was someone I loved and still love and will forever love, but we can't be together in that fashion. Some people wish I would just forget her but the joke is there: I can't forget someone who's been a part of myself for seven years. For people to ask my undying compassion, my undying love is selfish and idiotic. I can't give them what I can't give myself. I can't give them what I've been unable to give her. I'm not a sexual person, I'm not bond by that drive to reproduce. I love watching sex, but I hate and despise physical contact. I will just lay there and think of my stories, of my characters while some people have sex with my body. It is sad, isn't it? But that's sadly how it is for me. It is such a beautiful thing from the outside but it's got such a sour taste for me.
My mind will just never be in the act. I don't have sex because 'omg I wanna, my loins are in fire' - I have sex because it pleases the other person, because the other person wants it.
It's not because I haven't found the good one yet: I've found her! But it's because sex isn't important for me.
I rather have a relationship for someone's heart that have a relationship for someone's body. How can I explain that to a person who flat out told me: well, I'll make you rediscover your sexuality.
That's not how it works honey and you will discover it in a very bad way.
I had that discussion with a friend and he just smiled and pulled me against him and he said it's ok, that I'll find the right person. He said: heck, my boyfriend is hard to live with but he's so alike you - if he's found me, someone'll find you. It's just a matter of time. At this point, I really just want to draw a line on everyone who's ever showed me love, in that 'I wanna spend my life with you' and accept that everyone will be friends, but no one will be lovers. However, the person who's promised me that is calling me 'honey, darlin', 'sweetheart' and I want to put a line on these names. This isn't our relationship! This isn't how I want things to be! And you promised me not to give me this!
Things are moving too fast and he's unwilling to see that.
People have ideas of who they want me to be but I'm just not ready to fit the pattern. I will be ready when I will be old, winkled, weak and fragile. I will be ready when I will have given everything I had to give, to the world and will have just my core left. I am strong-willed, determined and focused in my youth, generous and selfish all along, thinking of others first, but thinking of my own well-being.
Trust is a fleeting asset and people assume I will trust them because I know them. I don't know them, i know myself, I know friends I've been with for years, who know when to cross me because I'm out of line, but when to comfort me when I try best to push them away. It happened way too often that I was despicable and they knew how I felt and they just inched closer and they embraced me - because they knew that I wasn't doing well. They didn't back down.
Heck, last time I was with them, I was sober and talking about Kami and I tried my best to push their hugs away - I wanted her head resting on my shoulders, her fur between my fingers - but I couldn't have her, so I wanted to have none. But they hugged me all and they told me I've done all that I could for her, that it was time to let go of her ghost.
I can have nice, easy things, but I'm not sure I can accept to fit myself in these nice, easy things. Because if I can accept that, then I fear I will despise myself so much I will lose the will to keep going forward.
Loading comments...