That One Guy in Thirty-Five

I’ll just preface this by saying that some of you know or may remember who Joseph is or was. But those of you that don’t, I met Joseph on Yahoo! Messenger back in 2004 when I was living in Denver. He’s from North Carolina. I have never met him, but I have known him for 16 years now.

We had made plans to be together and it just never worked out because of a lot of things. And he did me pretty dirty for a long time until I just finally had enough and he was in a world of “I don’t care about anyone but myself” so I didn’t talk to him for many years after I moved to Tucson. Probably 3 or 4.

He apologized for the first time last year sometime. Which I never thought he would do. But I was so angry at him last week because I was reading all of my old OD entries (trying to get them all imported into a book here, but it’s like 6 years worth of nearly daily entries). So this is what I sent him earlier.

We have these conversations from time to time.

Steph: OK lol, so I’ve been reading all my old OD entries that I have from 2005 through 2014 when OD went down and I switched to PB. ANYWAY. So obviously 2005 was like the “heyday” of whatever convoluted relationship we thought we had lol. So I spent a lot of time reading through all that stuff and I was actually mad at you for like 2 days while I was reading that LOL. You and another person, but yeah I just stepped back from it that second day and was just like, you know, I’m the biggest idiot, why am I still mad about shit that happened 15 years ago, and MORESO, why am I mad about it considering I’m still friends with you guys. LOL, SO i guess I’m sorry for harboring some of that anger still, but, I will tell you a lot of what i’m reading is making me laugh like I haven’t in forever. half of the stuff i don’t even remember (like you getting mad at me one time for taking AD on a “date”, when i just took him to dinner) lmfao. but yeah. I have had a lot of good laughs reading all that stuff though.

Joseph: No need to be sorry, I’m sorry I caused you anger to harbor. I’m not that guy anymore, but he caused a lot of unnecessary pain that I have to answer for, so its perfectly ok that you were/are mad at me. But I am glad that you are still around and we are making new stuff to laugh at 15 years from now just like we did 15 years ago. And there’s also solace in knowing that NOBODY will ever see that guy again.

Steph: absolutely. thats why i just stepped back and was like ok you’re done, you’re both different now and STILLL friends so hey lol. and even though it’s a different way now, I still love you Joey! And I’m glad i get to know you as you are today as well.

Joseph: I was going to say I love you, because I still do and always will no matter how misguided I was back then, but I wasnt sure how that would be received. But I love you too. Mom said something that really hit me hard awhile back, after I got better. She said the person I was was like the dark mean-spirited shadow of the person that I would have been without all the beer and pills. And now, looking back, I physically cringe when I think about some of the things I did and how I acted almost constantly, because I HATE people like that, and yet I was one of them.

Steph: a lot of people don’t have it as lucky as you did, and I know far too many of those as well. I think both of us were just at a bad time in our lives. and reading all of what i read, made me realize i was an insufferable bitch for those years until i moved to Tucson. and even in Tucson it took me a long while, and i’m not nearly where I need to be still, but what matters is that things are they way they are for all the reasons they should be. plus i’m finally getting better. i told my friend liz that i haven’t felt this good in 10 years…and I still feel like shit, so that tells you something. I will take whatever I can get though hahaha

Joseph: I’ve got it figured out, when I hit the lottery, im buying you an entire team of people, doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, top notch, to just stand beside you all day, unbearable pain flaring up? Here take this. Having trouble walking, here take this. Your hyman has been removed? Here tqke this. And the pharmacists will be therd to give you the stuff you need to take, and the lawyers will be there to sue the doctors if they fuck up, and ill even throw in a weed store from Colorado to ne built in your back yard. That should cover everything, right?

Steph: that about covers it i think. you can send a weed store from AZ though because it’s legal here too. speaking of which, we will be legal this week

Joseph: Even better, dismantling a building and sending it somewhere else is probably way cheaper going just over the sand dune than it is going 500 miles.

So there’s that. I have a feeling that if I send a message like that to the other guy, Jeremy, the response will be mighty different, so I will definitely skip that one. lol. Though I’ve technically known Jeremy for longer....I didn’t have QUITE the same relationship with him as I did Joseph. Jeremy was a physical relationship and a lot of emotional turmoil. I had to talk him out of suicide on several occasions.

ANYWHO.

Ive spent the last two hours listening to my cousin Lisa play for her fans on FB live. She has been doing it every saturday for the last month or so.

I suppose that is it. Have a good one all.