Sign of the times in Current Events

Last night I dreamt about all of my insecurities. About all of the things I try and avoid facing. The setting was my childhood home. It’s always my childhood home whenever I dream about my relatives. My mother decided that I needed to move out. Ok, she kicked me out. She did not want to continue to enable me to be a deadbeat. I was so angry at her but I couldn’t bring myself to lash out. She was right. I also never want to harbour ill feelings toward my mother. I spent my whole childhood and adolescent years fighting with her. That is not an experience I want to ever have with her again. I even explained that to her, in my dream. That I was angry and didn’t want to make that her fault. I then contacted Toni to tell her that we should start looking at apartments together. That turned into an argument because she wanted to save more money living at her parents. There was more going on in this dream but this is what stuck out. I think this dream happened because I feel insecure about being a deadbeat living with my sister. Toni keeps calling the shots regarding us moving in together and that is frustrating. These feelings got triggered yesterday when I learned that my craft store is opened and I felt a tiny bit let down that I was not called into work. I am bracing myself to do something I’ve always been afraid of. Don’t judge! But my most reoccurring dream/nightmare is me going back to school. My social anxiety haunts me that way. Walking those hallways. I was seeing a therapist about it last year. More like he was seeing me but that’s okay. I had high anxiety yesterday. My anxiety is telling me that I will do everything wrong and so I start to emotionally prepare myself for the worst. iDumb and I need to break that habit.

Toni wanted me to take her driving yesterday. She cancelled at the last second because a driving instructor had a slot open at the last minute. She called me after her lesson because she was so excited that she drove for the first time. I was happy for her but I was also trying to get out of the house for a bit so that was a bust. I need more friends. On that note, I did add a few more to my Facebook. I’m slowly working on reconnecting to “my old self”. Leanne and I were texting about politics last night until midnight. She is too afraid to say what I am saying online because of cancel culture. Identity politics and gender politics were mostly what we discussed. We were making fun of virtue signallers. Her coworker, who is a POC, was minding his own business busing to work when a white woman gave him a $20 bill and said “I see you”. He was so offended. He worked hard to be a lawyer and that interaction was degrading. There so many stories out there like that. It just actually terrifies me that we have people publicly denoucing themselves to avoid being cancelled. Once upon in Germany, a group of people felt that the privilege of others was oppressing them and then along came a man named Hitler…

Anyway, I have been losing friends because they do not know how to accept different opinions. I used to be that insecure but I’ve grown. There is space for those differences in my life. I also made plans with Crystale for this weekend. I’m going to have this house to myself and I’m pretty pumped about that. I’m going to lose all selfie control. Maybe I’ll get me some wine. Anyway, I should move on with my day now.