Annoyed in Journal

I find it very annoying that you come back with these excuses. I have noticed this pattern repeating in fashion for the last year or so, since we began talking about my childhood.
You said to me “You seem to think I had a choice and I really didn’t..” in regards to going to work and abandoning me to a series of Day Care workers, several of whom were admittedly mistreating children in their care. I am curious who had the choice? Who’s fault is it that these things happened? Was it my fault? A small child? Was it my fault for being born to you? You, who admittedly chose your husband, chose to marry him, chose to have a child, chose to go to work, chose the sitters, chose the books you read, chose what to spend your time doing, chose to ignore your infant’s demand for maternal care and attention? You said that I seem to think you had a choice. At what point were you robbed of your ability to choose? At what point in this long line of choice making did your ability to choose suddenly fly out of the window?
You said that you read books about parenting. You told me that your parenting books said to “let us work it out”. I’m really curious, mom… what books you were reading at the time? Because I’ve read quite a few parenting books. And none of them instructed a parent to just stand back and watch an adult man verbally assault a 5 year old. Not one book suggested to let your husband call your small daughter a piece of shit. I must have missed where the books say to choose an immature, angry, reactive, aggressive man to father your children. It must be A-okay to support a man in destroying a little girl’s heart.
And do absolutely nothing.
Not only was it okay for you to do nothing, according to your books, but it’s also better for you to never talk about it. It’s much healthier when you feel terrible about it and avoid either confronting your husband or guiding your daughter through it. It’s way out of line to say ‘it’s not your fault’. No. Because the books you read, and again I’m still very interested in those titles if you happen to remember what they were, all said that doing absolutely nothing is preferable to even a hug or a reassuring smile.
And another thing. You say that you felt like I didn’t like you much. Well I can confirm that sentiment. Who would like anyone that says they love you and participates in your mental and emotional torture? Nobody much likes a weak and failing would-be mother in the face of an angry vengeful man. I resented you for your ability to be impartial. You chose not to give a fuck about what you were doing to me. I didn’t have a choice to be impartial. I didn’t have a choice to not get attacked and screamed at and verbally assaulted, insulted, put down, dehumanized, by my own father. What the fuck kind of excuse is that to fail so utterly at parenting? You felt like I didn’t like you much? Why are you seeking approval from your child? Why are you so fucking useless to your daughter? That you need approval and recognition and acceptance to do the job that you chose to do the moment that you decided to have a child?
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the pain of the guilt you must feel about admitting any responsibility for the way you chose to raise me. To accept responsibility you’d have to accept the guilt of the position I’m in now. The place you left me in childhood. For not only neglecting my needs but for actively participating in my abuse.