Stages in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

A little story:

I used to be a very angry person. Very angry. I would spend most of my energy on being angry. This was unhealthy, unpleasant, and undesirable. So I spent a great deal of time and energy attempting to conquer my rage. I’ll admit, I did not succeed. There are still times where I am mightily furious. Which is why I decided to combine those things that naturally infuriate me with my job. Does seeing an infant covered in bruises because Meth Mommy got angry when the kid cried? Yeah? Good! It should! So let’s turn that anger into productivity by prosecuting Mommy for abuse; getting the child into Foster or Other Family Care; and work to figure out how to do better. If you can’t entirely conquer your anger; funnel it into productive places.

However, there were/are many places where I had/have successfully learned to control my anger. I used to be intensely angry at any individual who “did me wrong.” But the truth is… that is exhausting and unnecessary. The truth is… many people in this world are either so oblivious or so stupid that their actions are inconsiderate or incompetent and they aren’t even possessed of the brain power to understand. The guy that cut you off in traffic? He may not have seen you and may be in an incredible hurry. The woman that said, “I’ve just never met a heterosexual man who enjoyed musical theater!” She wasn’t insulting you… she was just exposing her ignorance and prejudices. If you take all of that personally… you’ll be absolutely exhausted from rage all the time.

So I spent a lot of time learning to bypass rage. Which may be one of the reasons why so much of my time so far on this separation/dissolution has been spent in grief. Because I could certainly GO to rage; but I’ve spent a long time separating myself from rage.

I think today that stopped. It hit me. There are two possible realities given Nancy’s current actions. Either… I am a terrible husband, undeserving of love and clinically unfuckable… or she is an absolutely terrible person who flushed away her best shot at a man that would give her anything as long as she did a bare minimum of Spousing. And the more I thought about it? I mean, hell, all of you got to this conclusion years ago but… it’s me. My history tends to go towards the “If your relationships fail, it is your fault. Either because you didn’t do something or because you did do something or because you selected the wrong person… so yeah, it is always your fault.” But yeah. I started to get mad.

But here’s the thing… the absolute honest 100% truth with no hiding or deferring:
I am angry that Nancy, it seems, never cared.
I am angry that I spent 10 years trying to make a marriage work when it should have been CLEAR to me after the first 9 months; that she’d given up caring about me.
I am angry that Nancy’s “no love, no sex, no relationship ability” for me was so quickly transformed into fucking a stranger within 2 months.
I am angry. I am angry about what that woman has put me through.

But that anger isn’t all consuming. That anger hasn’t taken me over. And that’s good. BUT it isn’t because of a good thing.

Still the thing that circles my mind....
before she met me, Nancy liked sex. She’d had 15 partners in a few short years. She enjoyed sex. With me? Sex was a chore… something that required gallons of alcohol for her to even consider… something that she would deign to give me about twice a year as (perhaps, payment?) for the lifestyle I provided for her. Then after me? Not even a full two months pass and she’s already fucking somebody else. This point of information pierces my heart like a great halberd. It screams through all of my anger; it shreds all of my logic… and leaves me with the sobbingly screamed question

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!”

Why am I so… disgusting to the one woman that has had sex with me… while further being (apparently) disgusting to the rest of the world ie Dating Apps, Flirting, Etc?!