So, Pat. ready to talk about it. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

So, Pat aka Sage was my best friend who passed last March from a brain aneurism. no one knew. He was in his 40's.

It took me about. a yr. to talk about it w/ someone other than his friends, family. And that was my mentor. I wasn't ready to I ignored it. that's what I do. I was of course devastated when I found out. that he passed i mean. he was so loved. and everyone knew him.

The shock's worn off, and the anger. I'm less upset about it. I've written about it and thought about it. We were close. I miss him yeah. I'm sad yeah. But the interesting thing is. I always sound so happy when I talk about him.

His service, last March, was lovely very nice. he would've liked it. [but then if he'd been here we wouldn't've had to have it]. He was. well he was one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. and vivid too esp. his eyes. he had the bluest eyes I've ever seen. he was deep. he felt everything so.incredibly.deeply. When he was happy god. he was the happiest person you'll ever meet. same as when he was sad. like me. he was also one of the most alive most compassionate people I've ever met. he really didn't want to miss a thing. and now he is but he also. isn't in a way. he had this undeniable presence. he was such a force such a soul. not just a person but a soul. and he didn't see people he saw souls. he was intelligent, philosophical, imperfect. you wanted to be w/ him even when you didn't.

he'd been in the military. one of his fave movies was 'the little mermaid'. he was an alcoholic. he was such a performer at karaoke. We were lucky to have known him and lucky to have known of him. he was genuine and one of the nicest people I've ever known. he loved music more than I do. and his friends he really loved his friends. and we knew that. he was loyal as a wolf.

I never had any problems w/ him except for. now. and I can't talk to him about it the same way I could when he was here. and yeah. I don't like that.

He was never the type to take but I feel like when he left he took something beauty and love. which is interesting. and once again and not for the first time that Foreigner song 'I want to know what love is' holds true. and fits so very well right now. I do know what love is and I have so.much.love around me [ok so mainly from my friends]. and not everyone can say that. I'm v. lucky that way. and hm. maybe it's not so much that I don't want to know [since clearly as said I already know] it's that I feel I've lost it a bit. well yeah. I do feel that way.

"it's called loss for a reason" - me.

I'd still do anything to have him back. I'd give up music for him. sleep. pot. to have him back. he wouldn't've wanted that but he - as he would say - 'deff leppardly' would've understood. oh he was funny too. he was always so good at that. at understanding those things those types of situations. it's like that Bob Dylan song lyric; 'no doubt in my mind where you belong'. he was devoted too and that's not something you see a lot. or compassion either actually. or. loyalty.

he taught us all a great lesson and that was to be more compassionate. and I've become so.

Ya know. before he left us I'd never known tragedy. like yeah I've known people who've passed but they were all over 50. my grandmother was um. 90 my dad's dad was in his 80's, so. it was getting to be that time. and I've also never had a friend pass. so yeah that was new.

He left the cardboard guitar at the bar. excuse me rather for the bar. to have. and a few things for me too 1 via Evan. and I like that that tangibility physicality.

even w/ his imperfections. I have nothing against Pat nothing bad to say about him. the worst part of all of this is he's not here. as my mentor pointed out.

so yeah. Now everyone knows. it took me. a yr. to be ready to blog this entry.