Marriage in Journal

I feel like I’ve fallen down a deep dark hole, but perhaps not as bad as it could be. That’s how I always feel, though. In he depths of depression, I deny my own pain and focus on self erasure.
I’m indebted to a friend for pointing that out. Self erasure.
I am anxious and scared and focusing on the negative. Yesterday I was full of hope and optimism and looking forward to talking things out to a solution. When no such solution happened, I crashed. I ran away. Actually, he ran away. And that made me mad.
Angry, in fact.
I was too angry to do anything except walk away from his dismissal. He called out and I kept on walking.
There’s no excuse for dismissal of someone trying to share their thoughts and feelings. Especially when you’re married.
He didn’t apologize, either. Which I realize now. I didn’t even think about that until now. Sheesh. It hurts now to realize that. Another thing to confront him about when he wakes up.
I guess it’s really no wonder why I feel depressed today.

I’ve got this terrible horrible useless draining habit of overthinking. It’s so difficult to stay in the moment, partly due to the Freeze/ Self Erasure response. It’s almost impossible to stay centered. I say impossible because while before it was totally unconscious, at least now I know what is happening in retrospect. Hopefully at some point I might know when it’s happening in the moment.

I’m an adult now. Getting my psyche to understand and adapt to that is the difficult part. It’s so much work. But I forge ahead.