Holding It Together in After OD

I can’t even describe how I feel lately. Maybe, mostly numb with bouts of anger. This year has been total shit but somehow I’ve managed to keep it together and not spend most days in bed trying not to face it.

For me it was shit before this pandemic garbage even went down....
2020 started out really hopeful for me. We were managing to get our finances under control (though still in debt, but working on it). Rob had been given a big raise about 5 months prior. Despite being scared as hell, I took the initiative and found a job of my own. Part time receptionist at an old folks home. I felt like my life was finally coming together in all the right ways. Then in one day it all crumbled.

At the tail end of January Rob was fired. I will never forget how I was sitting on the couch working on paying bills when he unexpectedly walked in. He looked ill. I asked if he was sick and he shook his head while staring at the ground. I asked if he got fired. “Yes. I fucked up.” My heart sank into my stomach. He proceeded to tell me that three weeks prior he had been closing the store one night and the cash count was over by $60. Without thinking, he pocketed the money. Guilt got to him and he returned it several days later, but it was too late. They randomly pulled the security footage that night and he was done for.

In 16 years of marriage I never once had a thought that we may not make it. But the anger I had that day was enough to make me question it all. He couldn’t explain why he took the money. He didn’t need it. He had no plans for it. He said he want even thinking when he took it. It made absolutely no sense to me. It still doesn’t. I did a lot of screaming. His stupid fucking mistake took away every little sense of security I had. There’d be no unemployment. No health insurance which is vital to me because I’m a diabetic. He fucked us over.

I spent the next week in bed, a ball of nerves, unable to eat, popping Xanax between naps.

I wanted to punish him. I was not nice. I made him sleep in the guest room and told him this was one fuck up of his that I would not fix. It was up to him. He came through and managed to get us assistance in the form of food stamps and state health insurance. He cashed in his small 401k, and did our taxes right away so we’d have something to pay bills with when the tax return came in.

A week later I started my job. The pay was a mere fraction of what he made but anything was helpful.

As time went on and the shock wore off, I managed to forgive him. I will never forget though. He was not in his right headspace. He was on anti depressants at the time but that very day had started Wellbutrin to help give them a boost because he was very down. We managed to get 1 therapy appointment in before Quarantine, but there’s still work that needs done.

So, I was really liking my job. I quickly came to know the residents and really got attached to a few of them. I picked up my tasks very easily and received mostly praise for my work with the exception of a few mistakes I’d made. Early March I was given the task of screening family and employees for temps as they entered the building. Then family was banned and it was just employees. As the situation got worse, I became increasingly uncomfortable. During a staff meeting to discuss precautions, it became very clear that the building director had no plan in place if someone got sick. She literally said “we’ll figure that out when it happens.” That blew my mind.

As more reports came out that diabetics and obese people were high risk, I became more nervous. And then my parents started in on me, pressuring me to quit. I didn’t want to. I loved what I was doing and wasn’t even there for 2 months yet. But fear got the best of me and I left.

April and May were spent mostly at home. Sage did school online. Rob got a part time job at Office Max. I’ve done a dozen puzzles, watched a ton of tv, and widened my ass with a lot of stress eating, but I’ve managed to hold it all together better than I ever would have imagined.

That’s where we are now. Robs looking for full time work. I’m debating whether I should look for something now or wait until a vaccine arrives. It’s be nice to have more income. The 401k, tax refund, and stimulus is dwindling pretty quickly. Rob hasn’t had too many prospects. His parents have offered money though and we may take it because my parents have bailed us out and helped us soooooo many times, and his never have.

I try not to think about the future too much because I don’t have control right now. I just know things always get better at some point, but it takes time. The way 2020 is going though, I’m wondering if it will get worse before it gets better.