What am I thinking? in The day to day

So in the midst of everything going on in the world, my husband sent me a message on FB saying basically he’s sorry for everything. And that if I can give him time he would like to reconcile. If he can be happy with her he should be able to be happy with me and he misses all of us etc. It would take a whole hell of a lot to take him back. He would have to have counseling for himself. Get rid of her for sure. Get tested for STDs. Among other things.

My hopes got up there for a minute. I can’t turn love off for someone after 17 years that quick. I end up seeing him the next day after he wrote that and tried to ask him about it. He wouldn’t give me straight forward answers. Cut to the next day when I run into him and her at a store. The store was closing shortly after I got there so I was able to run in and out quick. I completely ignored her and walked out of the store after checking out.

I ended up emailing him after a day or so to lay it all out there. I told him if he was serious about reconciling then he needed to get rid of her. That was step one. That the longer it took to do that the harder it was going to be for him to come back. He has counseling set up for himself on the 17th. He had told me not to wait for him. I told him that I am not waiting. I’m just here. I will be just fine if we don’t get back together. Hell I will be okay if I never have a relationship again. But for a minute there it was nice to think things could be better and back on track.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I had logged onto Facebook and saw him in my memories. Since he had deactivated his account, whenever there was a memory with him tagged it showed up different than it had. This time it was like his account was back up. So I looked. And sure enough it had been reinstated. I asked him about it because she had already been tagging him left and right in things. She apparently did it and he was unaware. Seriously, that doesn’t seem shady to you? I think she did it after I ignored her at the store.

He responded to my email telling me about Facebook and her doing it. That he planned on doing counseling for more than one session thankfully. He says he’s just taking things one day at a time and see where things go. At the end of the email he said that his gf brought up a point of her not having done anything to me, whereas he’s done a lot and I still let him around.

I responded with the fact that she was talking to a married man. Nevermind the fact that he lied to her about us being separated. We were living together and she saw us numerous times and our interactions. That should have been a red flag for her. I can’t respect someone that talks to a married man with the intent of starting a relationship. I went on to say that I also can’t respect her because at the beginning I asked for her not to move in with him because I knew it would affect the kids. She whined and said she wouldn’t be controlled by me. Cut to now when our 13 yr old thinks his dad doesn’t love him and he went and got a new family. He told his therapist that!

So yes he has done me bad. But I absolutely do not have to like her or respect her. He on the other hand, whether we get back together or not, is my children’s father. I will get along with him for our kids sake. I will be cordial and nice and not talk bad about him in front of them. EVER. I don’t even talk bad about her in front of them. I don’t talk about her period.

Tonight when A wanted to video chat with his dad, I let him of course. Why is this bitch constantly trying to take over the conversation? Saying things like Hi my sweet boy! And I miss you! If she doesn’t take several steps back I am going to lose it. Luckily for her, A ignores her everytime she does it. Never answers her. Then tonight I took the phone to B so he can say Hi too. He gets highly annoyed because the gf starts talking to him. Asking if he likes those inflatable water slides because her son is going to have one at his party. He replies with a curt No. I almost lost it.

The conversation ends and as I am taking the phone back up and away, I hear her say something again to A. Like the conversation was over and I mumbled under my breath, bitch. I don’t know if they heard it or not. And frankly I don’t care. I had already walked away from A at that point so I know he didn’t hear me.

It got me upset enough to wonder why I am even considering taking him back. For convenience? Love? Familiarity? I really don’t know at this point. I am clearly not the priority once again. I babied this man our entire marriage. Made sure his needs were always met. Put myself last. Always. Was always apologetic about everything. And I am still being put last. I need to do some soul searching I think.

Anyway enough about my drama.

Black Lives Matter.

Last updated June 07, 2020