overwhelmed in Weight Loss Surgery

I get depressed and sad and all the bad feels when I feel like I’m going to disappoint someone. When someone asks me to do something I feel I can’t do - even when maybe I can do it. And sometimes I actually do it. But when I’m first asked and I feel like I can’t I get overwhelmed with the panic of disappointing someone.

It’s just a terrible side to me.

So last night I wrote an entry basically saying that even if I get this surgery, I am going to have to learn how to say no to bad foods and bad portions.

There’s a thing called “head hunger” that a lot of these weightloss people on FB talk about. And it’s the fact that even after surgery, when your stomach is all mangled to be smaller, your head still wants big bites of bad food.

And you have to say no. If you give it you first, cause your body a lot of pain and secondly, you stretch your stomach back out to be obese again.

They were saying that the material of the stomach is Made To Grow. So it’s very easy - at any point in your life - to stretch your stomach.

I kinda thought that the “stretch your stomach” saying was more in your head - but now I think it’s a physical thing.

Anyway, head hunger is fake. It’s emotions. When you feel it in your stomach, only then is it True hunger. And that is the only time you should eat. And it slowly, and take small bites, and chew your food basically into a baby food paste before swallowing. And if you eat that slowly, you’ll get the signal from your brain when you’re full BEFORE you’ve over eaten.

So anyway, last night I was saying to myself, I need to be like this. And since at least a week before and for a few weeks after, I’m going to have to be on a liquid diet - I should start incorporating that stuff in NOW so I’m not so desperately hungry when the real surgery time comes.

Then this morning I had my training session and I told my trainer that I was thinking about the surgery.

I completely forgot that is how her best friend died. Not on the table but something to do with blood clots after surgery. And this is the reason she is a trainer now, because of the complications with the surgery that lead to her friend’s death.

So I now sent her into a panic of wanting to work harder and I have to take picture of myself, of the scale, take more tea, do protein shakes (she’s gonna give me some samples for free), take pictures of my meals, etc. Because she wants to prove to me that I can lose this on my own.

She was very nice and she was very inspirational but in the end I felt a little overwhelmed because - If I can do this on my own, how come it hasn’t happened yet? I can do this for a week, a month, maybe a few months but I always give up and it always comes back.

And I did try to protest a bit but she was basically begging me to do it her way before going under the knife.

And it’s fine, I can because I’m not getting the surgery tomorrow but I have the feeling of dread because I’m going to disappoint her. I know I am.

AND THEN Will calls from the supermarket and wants to know if I need anything. So I’m telling him, we should get on track with eating better and maybe get back on track with protein shakes. So I told him to pick up any kind he likes for us.

And he said no.

He said that he’s not changing his eating habits at ll unless he gets the surgery. And since we haven’t been approved for surgery, and we don’t even know if insurance is going to cover it, he doesn’t want to make any changes now. And he also thinks that the doctor might have their own shake or diet requirements and he doesn’t want to waste money on something that may not be correct for surgery.

So now I want to cry.

I’m trying to make changes now. I’m trying to change my mindset. I know this surgery is not magic and I don’t want my mind to fuck it up. Like it has for many. That FB board is filled with people that went hog wild on memorial day and gained 10 lbs in a weekend after losing 100lbs in 3 months with the surgery!

They’ve lost 100lbs - brand new wardrobe and everything, and then when BBQ season comes they ate like they did before the surgery and gained weight and are in a panic that they’re gonna go back to what they were before surgery,

Their mindset hasn’t changed and this summer of BBQs could completely fuck them up.

I don’t want to be that person.

I want to get use to only eating when hungry, eating small and slow, sticking to protein shakes if that’s what it takes. And he’s not on board.

I told him even if insurance doesn’t cover it - I’m doing this. I’ll put it on a credit card and go $10,000 into debt if I have to. What the fuck else am I making money for? Not for a house. He doesn’t believe in that either.

I WANT him with me for all these great things I want to have in my future.

But he’s not with me.

The same way I was like - I gotta get a house on my own.

And then didn’t cause how the fuck am I.

Is the way I have to be with this weight loss thing.

I’m going to be on my own.

He may get approved to go under the knife but I don’t know if he’s gonna maintain it. He’s not interested in changing his mind at all.

And I have to be ok with this. I have to be ok with getting this surgery and losing a buncha weight in front of him and possibly without him.

I’m so horrible right now.

AND now work is skyping me and it isn’t event 9am yet. Fuck,

Last updated December 21, 2020