For Posterity in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I wasn’t sure if I was going to write this or if I should write this or anything but ultimately, I figured… I keep track of my history here. If I re-read old entries, it tells me where I was and what was going on at the time. So if for no other reason than “for posterity” I should put this up.

Tuesday Night. I was upset that Nancy was with her new boyfriend instead of signing the insurance forms. When she came over finally to sign them, she came downstairs to chat. I was upfront and honest with her about my feelings; both anger and sadness. Essentially, how our marriage ended because she refused to grow into an adult and kept running away from anything resembling healthy choices in regards to making her life or our marriage work. Following that up with the argument/notion that instead of getting a job, deciding on a career path, or making something of herself… she simply went looking for a new man/new men. Instead of learning to stand as her own person, she just went racing out to find someone else. That being said, it is her choice (certainly) because it is her life. But… she lost a 14 year relationship and a marriage because running away from being a person was her default. And it was/is upsetting that losing something that should be a meaningful loss is a “brush off, find a new man” moment.

Wednesday Night. Nancy calls and wants to spend some dog time and doesn’t want to sit alone with her thoughts. Ooooookay. What’s going on? After speaking with me, she spoke with her boyfriend who said, “Clearly your husband still loves you. I don’t want to be a third person in your relationship.” And he left her. Which was really confusing for her because… emotionally, it was hurtful that she lost two men in such a short time… but also, she knows that I was right, and she honestly can’t say whether she likes Brad because he’s a good man and handsome or if she likes Brad because it is more comfortable than being alone. And I get it… there is a lot of emotion involved in all of this and emotions are (clearly) difficult for her. It was an opportunity to really talk about getting her set up to be on her own. Not using a shared account for everything. Really being serious about trying to figure out how to live without a man propping her up for everything. So… that was good.

But of course… I’m too inquisitive for my own good. I am the very definition of Original Sin because (despite various interpretations of The Garden of Evil allegory) Original Sin was about a search for knowledge even knowing the knowledge would be harmful. And that’s me. Nancy had sex with her boyfriend. NOT my business, she is welcome to engage in coitus as I would be welcome to engage in coitus were I successfully dating. But… considering the issues between her and I? It still stings. It still actually makes me a little angry. The man that you allegedly loved and built a life with and was most important to you for 15 years… sex was a chore that you’d rather not engage in. New Shiny Toy that you’ve known for a month? Jump into bed. That… yeah. That hurts.