Card of the day!
I didn’t do one yesterday - not for any particular reason. Just didn’t feel like it.
Actually yesterday was day 1 of my period and I wasn’t feeling like doing ANYTHING.

So the seven of wands is a person standing on a cliff with a staff/wand in his hand across his chest. At his feet you can see 6 wands pointed up at him as if people are standing just below him, fighting him and he is alone, on a cliff, defending himself.

Right side up this card shows him victorious, reversed shows him threatened.

The book talks about this showing procrastination, contradictory behavior, being on the defense without a reason, stress, being overwhelmed and wanting to escape.

Not a great message today.

Maybe I feel a bit like that in a few areas of my life.

1 Ever since I’ve made the decision to try for weightloss surgery, I’ve been eating like a mad man. It was also right before my period so I guess that’s part of it but the contradictory part is not lost on me that while all I can think about is losing this weight, I’m eating like it’s going out of style. And gaining. I am right now the heaviest I’ve ever been in my entire life.

IF I don’t get this surgery all I’m doing is ruining myself further. And even if I DO get this surgery, it’s a process that takes a few months to get in order. I really don’t need to be ruining myself for months just because I may get this surgery.

2 this also might represent the fact that I feel like I can’t tell anyone because they’ll all be against me and I’ll have to defend myself and I really don’t want to.

I mean, I have my reasons but really it’s my body and my money so why should I have to explain to anyone why I want what I want?

3 in work a lot of things are coming up. My position was empty for quite a while before I got a job. And then my boss left and I got a new one who knows nothing. And now it seems like we’re behind on a lot of things we should have been doing but we didn’t know about them.

We are a non profit and there’s lots of people who donate to us to keep us afloat. And there are awards and fellowships and pins and plaques and stuff that we should be giving out to everyone that supports us and we’re behind on EVERYTHING. I mean some of this stuff hasn’t been done since 2017 and the people who did it are long gone and we have to recreate these ceremonies on our own and it’s a bit overwhelming.

PLUS the fact that now, with this virus, everything has to be virtual and I haven’t prepared for any sort of virtual even and I’m nervous that everything’s going to look as half assed and it currently feels.

Everything feels so slow going and yet sped up. Like, we only have a few months to the year to do all these events, and they all have to be virtual, so it’s like - are we going to have something every month? Is that possible?

Part of me feels like a virtual event is easy but there’s so many chefs in the kitchen making it more complicated than it needs to be.

And I’m Not a chef, I’m just the assistant waiting for all the chef’s to agree on something and the longer they take, the less time I have to get it all together once they DO agree on something.

I know Will’s afraid of this surgery we’re embarking on. I just wish it didn’t make him close down and be short tempered about it.
It’s not like he doesn’t want to do it, and if he did I wouldn’t make him.

But he thinks negatively about everything so while I’m thinking positive saying to him we’re gonna get approved, it’s gonna be quick and easy, we’ll have the money for any of the expenses we;ll need, the weight will come off quickly without complication - I’m saying all these positive things that I like … 90% believe will happen.

He’s brooding saying that we may not get approved, it’s gonna be a long process, it’s gonna be a complicated recovered, and in the end it may not work and we may gain all the weight back, etc. etc. And he says all this cause he’s afraid to hope that everything will turn out well and then be disappointed so he sits in this negative state so he’s not disappointed.

And then he gets annoyed at me for being positive. And i get annoyed at him for bursting my bubble. That is just like the card shows, me defending my freaking right to be happy about this and all the wands below attacking me are him!

And maybe I should keep my mouth shut and not say anything but I’M EXCITED.
In less than a week we’ll have out first doctor consultation about this process and I’M EXCITED to get my foot in the door and get some REAL information instead of just options from people on message boards and youtube.

So many people have had success with this? Why not us? For some reason he lives in a world where everyone else gets everything and not him. And that’s not how I choose to view the world.

Last updated December 20, 2020