Revulsion. in Once more, with feeling...

I’m noticing lately that I’m actually experiencing disgust at “normal” relationship stuff I see on Facebook. Memes and such, you know, things that say, with really poor spelling and grammar, something like, “Grab her by the throat, kiss the fuck out of her, and say “You know you’re mine, right?”” Like… ew? That last bit. “Mine.” I shudder at the word. I’m repulsed by it, by the concept behind it. The idea of belonging to someone, anyone, any single person, is just revolting.

Basically, the concept behind every relationship I’ve ever had (with the exception of one), the idea of monogamy, of “belonging” to someone, of hearing those words, “You are mine,” has become a foreign concept to me. I can’t imagine ever being in that kind of relationship again. So oppressive, suffocating. It wasn’t just the other person that caused me intense anxiety, it was the fact of being in a relationship at all that caused the worst of it. I remember feeling like I always had to be “on” in some way. I had to play this part, this role, I had to be this wife and this mother in the ways that I was taught growing up. I had to be “normal” and conventional. It wasn’t the other person putting that pressure on me, exactly. It was me. I was doing it to myself and constantly failing and feeling like a failure because I was trying to be something I’m just fucking not.

I am not a thing to be owned, possessed. I am not something that requires leashing or sheltering. I do not need a cage. I am not a thing.

And so these things I see my girlfriends post on Facebook… they enrage me, to be honest. Okay, maybe enrage is a strong word. They really, really upset me, though. I try to tell these women that they don’t have to be that way, they don’t have to “stick around and give him time to change because that’s more than love.” What? Why the fuck should someone need time to change before becoming an acceptable partner? If they aren’t acceptable as they are, why wouldn’t you just move on and find another who doesn’t require fine tuning or whatever? Human beings aren’t broken clocks you pick up at a garage sale and tinker with until they start ticking again. What the fuck?

And also, ladies, he hasn’t changed. I assure you. He hasn’t and he won’t. If he fucked you over one time, he’ll fuck you over again. If he fucked you over twice and you forgave both times, a third time is guaranteed, carved in stone, an absolutely certainty. The more you forgive, the less he’ll respect you, and the more he’ll fuck you over, again and again, because he knows you’ll just keep forgiving him. Forgiving someone over and over again when they haven’t changed their behavior only teaches them that there’s no need to change their behavior.

Anyway, that’s my rant for the day. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Also, fuck COVID-19.