Mood Poisoning in Current Events

I’m back back back again with the dysmorphia. I won’t let it consume me though. I workout so much and my body is just so far from what I want it to be and it gets me so flustered just thinking about it. I want 20lbs of muscle post-haste but I don’t think that I can make that happen without obsessing over my diet. I’d rather not and just be content with the progress that I have made. I’ll have to find a way to overload when I workout because I’m not exactly doing that. I’m trying to get my flexibility and strength up so I can start trying some basic callisthenics. My exercise was supposed to be about shaping my mind and not so much about my body. That’s what I get for looking at influencers online. I almost signed up for someone’s Onlyfans like wtf? I’m almost 35 I should have grown out of this comparing and contrasting myself to others by now. I know better that being shredded all year round is not healthy. I don’t even want to get started on my face. The acne scars do look a lot better but I can’t stop starring at other people’s faces without hating myself. They get to just open the camera and not have to worry about the texture of their skin visually assaulting them. Ok, I’m being dramatic. I took a peek at my hairline while it was up in a hairband while I was washing my face. I don’t wanna talk about it. I’m obsessed with looking directly at every man’s hairline. It’s supposed to be that we look at a person’s smile first or some shit but nope. I’m at war with my ego and self-esteem. It’s not as bad as it was last year but… I always haven’t been able to look at myself all year in the mirror. I just look at what I need to and get the fuck out of there. This is what happens when you build your self-esteem on your looks folks. I should just get some jush and get my hair did.

Speaking of my crisis of falling out of the love with how I look last year, this morning I was thinking about the FOMO I had from the year before that. I am now afraid to travel. What if I get too close to a culture that believes that stoning a gay man to death is the appropriate thing to do? The crisis I had the year before that was death. I was the age my father was when he died and the thought of it all kept me up at night. The crisis before that one was money. I don’t even know what existential crisis will define me in 2020? I feel more sorted than ever. Maybe I will finally remove the self and become a fully enlightened being? lol right!

So many people are writing about their meditations. I can barely sit through my audiobooks without my mind wandering off. I’m jealous of their self-control. I’m very hesitant to even try for some reason. I suppose I should give it a go today. I have nothing better to do except wallow. I wish I had something to be excited about right now. Something to look forward to.

Last night I dreamt that I was trying to board a gay cruise but I was met with protest by my own community because they found out that I was republican. They tried to throw me overboard. Like, fuck that dream lol. I’m not even American. The more I listen to conservatives down south in the Americana the more I fall in love with the country though. When I listen to the victimcrates I have the opposite effect. I need to stop overloading myself with these though. I barely even know what is going on in my own country. I think peoplekind is trying not to breathe moistly at each other still. I should move to Alberta just because. Anyways, it’s another fine day in quarantine. I have my health, everybody in my life is safe and sound and I am spoiled during this pandemic so there’s that. Blah, ta!

Last updated May 21, 2020