Hectoring Hectare in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

The title is nonsense. Hectoring means “talking in a bullying way” and a hectare is a unit of measurement for land. If you’re talking in a bullying way to a unit of measurement for land… or if a unit of measurement for land is talking to you in a bullying way… that is… a totally different situation you should probably go take care of.

As for me? Thursday night I watched the movie “Hector and the Search for Happiness.” It is a good movie and does a decent job of “travel movie with love theme”. Honestly, I’d rather 9 million movies like that over a single fucking Nicholas Sparks turd. Not to spoil a six year old film with a mildly predictable ending; but the big ending is that happiness is found in the complete acceptance of life and love… accepting that happiness is love, fear, and sadness and being open to all of those experiences with the right attitude and right friends/loved ones.

Obviously, that strikes a nerve. But… more nuanced than you might think.

One of the most important things that stays with me about my grandfather’s death was how many people came to say goodbye while he was in the hospital and hospice. People from over 80 years of life all came to say to his face how much of an impact he made on their lives.

And I thought about how hard it is/has been to make friends or impact lives outside of my job.

And I realized what my truly greatest fear is. The fear that wells in my chest and makes me want to cry when I think about it. I finally realized… my greatest fear is the Scrooge Death. Nobody at your funeral. Nobody to remember you fondly after death. No impact on the world and no meaning to your life outside of the strict, narrow limits of the day you were born and the day you die.

So into all of that… came even more fun thoughts. If not new thoughts than… thoughts with more conviction.

There are many things I like about Martha. Both in physical appearance and personality. But I 100% cannot see living the rest of my life with her. I need a grown up who wants to do something with their life and cares about other people. And I don’t see that sentence applying to her. And it is crushing. I spent 15 years of my life in that. And I know it is never right to stay in something just because you invested a lot of time into it. But at the same time… I think about all of this… I think about all of what I wrote above… and I really do feel myself think, How awful would it be if the only romantic, sexual, or meaningful partner-relationship I ever had was the marriage to Martha? What if I honestly never find anyone else that cares about me? Not a new fear. Something I mentioned while I was considering everything. But in this new world? The importance of a partner that cares about you and that you can care about is heavily underlined… and the unpredictability of life… and the difficulty in finding someone to care about or being someone who is cared about… is also underlined. It just… it’s not a great place for my heart to sit right now.