investigation in Random Thoughts

ive been waiting to have a moment to write. most of my moments, when i don’t have the baby in had, is performing necessities to keep life going- laundry, dishes, showering, etc.

my resilience has run low and i see it in recurrences of the anxieties and ways of being that used to be daily practice. reading into people’s words, actions, texts, body language. paranoia (not the typical type that may automatically come to your mind), negative self talk.

my goal is to use my skills, including mindfulness/meditation practices as a buffer to these experiences....writing is one of those skills. the mantra i have in mind is part of my lovingkindness meditation.

“may i investigate recurring stories and automatic assumptions”

i have a couple vignettes to show what’s been going on.

im moving out of the temp rental ive been in for about 15 months while my house is being restored after a fire. from the beginning i had the feeling the landlady was a bit kooky and all out text interactions cause a defensive reaction in me for some reason. i almost feel as if she is judging me, or ???

the other day she texts me and asks me to take pics of the apt so she can post them on websites. i mention that there is baby stuff everywhere and that it’s very cluttered because i can only get necessary chores done.... and also wonder why she doesn’t use the original pics from the posting when i rented. i also read into it that she expects me to clean for the pics....which is absurd when i have a newborn. i take honest pics of each room and send them.

her response is “i can’t show your place as it looks, unfortunately. i will have to use pics from before you moved in

my thought is duh! my physical reactions are a wave of that cold shame shock through my body then a warm flush. my emotions are shame and embarrassment and paranoia. my thoughts are “she must be using those pics to prove something bad about me”

of course i either know this is not true or know that if it is true, it does not make a difference in my life. i do not need her as a reference, i own my home and will live in it within the next couple weeks.

i have another vignette to work through, but its late and i have a sleeping baby on my lap AND i am hungry (and do not have anyone else living with us).

it’s good to be back. i have about 3.5 more months of maternity leave and hope to find more moments like this to write.