No thing in Current Events

Well, I let my depression win yesterday. I’m not upset about it. I probably needed time to rest. Sure, I’m not physically exhausting myself but my mind is going a lightyear a minute. I am trying to return to reality with a new understanding or with new programming so to speak. I’ve been unlearning everything I thought I knew about myself and… everything? These polarities we trap ourselves in. Left vs right, up vs down, dark vs light, masculine vs feminine etc. The only polarity that is real is inward vs outward. We come to this Earth, no we come from this Earth with a body and a mind and according to most cultures we also come with a star system to guide us. Everything is solar-powered. I am not my body. I am nothing… I am no thing. I am just a consciousness or a spirit having a temporary human experience. I am not a gender, I have a gender. I am not an ethnicity, I have an ethnicity. I am not a religion, I have religious beliefs. I am not a sexuality, I have a sexuality and so on and so forth. I am not a legacy, I am not a heritage etc. These things can be mine but they can never be me. If any of that makes sense? So now I can participate with these identities without having to belong to them. “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am” - Thomas Cooley. I am just a perception of a perception. I was just reflecting back on what I thought society wanted me to be. I do not want to live and die a character. Even life and death is another one of those polarities.

“This heaven will pass away and the one above it will pass away too. The dead are not living and the living will not die. In the days when you ate what is dead, you made it into something alive. When you come to exist in the light what will you do? On the day you were one you became two but when you become two what will you do?” - Jesus

I was born into this agreement where I was to believe that we are all separate. That we have nations and creeds and all these other social constructs we are to believe in. They’re not real. None of it. They are literally make-believe. We are just forced to agree to believe them. I’m not mad about it. It’s just hard to accept that in this reality we have people fighting and dying over all these make-beliefs. Rights, meanings, freedoms etc… these group identities are tribal and tribes fight and it’s just hard to be in this world now where there is a line drawn everywhere. It’s like, I was born with an assignment. I am a biracial gay man with first nations status which means that I have to represent these communities and hold myself to these beliefs. Whatever they even are? I don’t care what they are. So now I’m evil and anti-everything? If I was born somewhere else on the planet I would have accumulated a different set of beliefs and ideas. These aren’t real to me. I want to be real to me. I would rather have humanity wake up and see that they’re fighting over nothing. I can only wish of course.

The “end game” here, for me, is that I was to achieve enlightenment. Instead of doing this without awareness, I would do this with awareness. I think that’s the simplest way to explain it. I could be wrong. Enlightenment is not an awakening, it is a homecoming. I can truly become a master of my own “destiny”. Everything I experience comes from within my body. Yet, I spent my whole life looking outward for fulfillment. I have everything I need to feel whole and happy inside me. Then I want to turn around and help people get out of this matrix. Blah, that’s enough existential bullshit for the day.