well. the only thing i can do. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

is keep being who i am. yeah actually the last time i saw marty he told me “keep being you.”. er i can’t really change that but thanks?
no i’m not over. what my sister did. i’m just fukin tired. anger takes a lot of energy. it’s not like ‘oh it’s ok’ cause it’s not. it’s just. idinno. tired. and here i go caving again.
idinno i mean. so. like on the 15th, of may of 2013. she and well. i think at least she. had er or. was going to. file a restraining order. here’s the thing: legally. unless a. i’m somehow incompetent/low functioning or 2. not my own gaurdian. she’s not allowed to file one on behalf of me. which well a. i’m not. incompetent/low functioning and b. am. my own gaurdian. and thank god. yeah in fact laura was the one who declared that. laura the attorney. and she declared that when i was in my early 20’s i think. before all that happened.
no and see. the more i think about it.........the more. i think my sister wasn’t filing one for. me. but then. why the hell was i there that day at the courthouse? that makes no sense. the lady i can’t remember the lady’s name. but seemed she was slight and pale and had a florence henderson haircut. explained to us the types of restraining orders. no............i think. my sister was filing one. for her.
or maybe that. was, the 13th i . don’t really want to remember a lot happened that day. btw. luckily. the order never got filed, or w/e the correct term would be. bc well. evan’s legitimately crazy. no as in he has a mental disorder. he has 2 or maybe 3 in fact. and laura the attorney. told someone. i think maybe my sister? anyway i found out from my mom. that laura had decided against that. now this is something i’ve never told anyone so. and i’m glad the order didn’t get filed. or again w/e the term would be. bc at the time i thought it was. for me on behalf. of me.
and. i wasn’t in the car w/ leo, evan and my sister. so i don’t actually know what was said. by him. or what they witnessed. like i have no idea...........but if he didn’t say anything to um. give reason for. an order then..........and my sister filed one anyway. then. again. that’s just her projecting further. and wow. wow...............and i want to believe he didn’t. bc well i like him and don’t like her. it’s kindof like that song. i don’t like you but i love you seems like i can’t stop thinking of you. by the righteous brothers or whoever it is. covered by cyndi lauper. i love my sister but as for liking her? no. not really to be honest. but who knows maybe she was. maybe that’s legitimately why she did it. again. i have no idea. um. i feel like there was more to this? fuk. w/e it was i forgot. um...........yeah and i remember. calling evan and telling him and he went told me ‘thank you for telling me’. yeah sure no problem. no it really wasn’t.
oh. now i remember what it was. you know who my sister reminds me of? [no.]. amber. amber, for those who’ve forgotten. [also i don’t mention her a lot so.]. was this woman who was my case manager when i was living at stephanie’s. i um. well i had her and then. nick i said. nick the dragon guy. cause he collected dragons. i mean not real ones obviously. yeah he was good i liked him. they. do the same thing naya does. and that.........um. god.........marty did. no i mean as in. in terms of their jobs. anyway yeah amber. was one of those people who wasn’t a bad person but she sure as hell didn’t make much effort to be a good one. either. and my sister apparently is like that. and it’s funny. the one and only time amber has been brought up in my co. and my sister’s. er in both our presences. sorry, i don’t know how to correctly articulate that........my sister got upset. she was like ‘well what happened? omygod!’ and i was kindof like ‘no it’s fine. stuff happens’. not any business of hers that’s for sure. my sister’s. [oh and the other reason i refer to him as ‘nick the dragon guy’ is to distinguish him from my perio whose name is also nick. dr. nick.]. anyway. wow and she’s upset about amber not treating me well. wow..........take a good look in the mirror cause. she’s a fine one to talk. oh. wow. um. think that’s it.