trust. green light. she had it comin. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

Trust has to be earned. not given. and i think almost anybody would agree w/ me on that. like my sister doesn’t get to waltz into my life again and and...........and fukin apologise and like oh ok it’s fine. cause it’s not. wow. I mean even........even when she brings her dog. to my parents’ i acknowledge him. he’s alrite he’s a good little dude. not trained well. like at all but that’s not his fault. she did not train him well.
and. she didn’t even.........when evan..........so no. i’m not going to give her the green light by trusting her. cause if i do. that makes it seem ok. and i don’t know. if she’s projected onto other people beside evan i at the time. i only want to know if the answer’s ‘yes’. but right now. since i’m not sure. it feels like it was just us two personally. and i don’t deserve that..............i’ve been through so much. rape, alcoholism, ptsd, anorexia, depression. um. sex. harrassment. a grandmother who was an alcoholic an ex who. anyway the list goes on and on. and it’s funny bc people love me. like as a person. people genuinely like me. there’s not a lot they don’t like about me.............i mean. me. who’s sweet and kind and compassionate. and sensitive and deep and tenacious. and. brave. and i hate thinking of things in that way that kindof sympathy bc. it’s too deep. and then i run. emotionally. that’s why i drink well a reason. flight flight. fly birds.
no but neither. evan nor i deserved that. to be treated that way. and honestly. my sister had it comin. me being angry w/ her and not trusting her. she did. and if she’s surprised. she shouldn’t be.
i just wonder. how this’ll be for us in the future. well. if i’m worried about her hurting me again then. job done cause she already has. yeah go on. hit me hit me w/ your best shot. cause i’ve already been through so much. bring it.
there’s a part of me. that physically wants to do something to her. or take control over her life, something that means a lot to her. bc. to make things equal. right. bc evan. meant and still does. something to me. but i know how bad that feels and i know that’s not right. so. it’s better we haven’t seen each other since sat. it really is. i mean. fuk if someone’s angry and projecting then............then like cry. or eat. i do both those things. or excercise or like. walk away. no really. stop for a sec. apologise and walk the fuk away. untill they’re calmer. i’ve learned that twice the hard way. no and that’s. that’s what she should’ve done. that’s what i do.
get off the damn bus before you ruin the Pride flag, as it were. cause no. [yes this is an actual ref.]. don’t ruin what somebody has just bc you’re angry about something. which has nothing to do w. that person. something i make an effort not to do. cause ya know what?.............yeah.