Monday Motivation in Current Events

I went over to Bev’s the other day to meet her new man. She was hoping that I would be able to get a good read on him. His guard was up so I didn’t get much. Honestly, he seemed terrified of me at first. What I did read was Bev. She doesn’t trust herself and she is trying to make that his fault. We talked about that yesterday. She deserves love and happiness. Her inner saboteur is trying to create some distance between them because she is afraid of getting hurt. She has survived men every single time so there is nothing to be afraid of.

I keep thinking about Ange. All of the hard work she did to get a degree and then her life almost ended. I then start to think about Ryan and his addiction. He finally started to get treatment and then he passes away. Now I’m thinking about retirement. It used to be that you worked until 60, collected pension and then died at 65. We live longer than that now and most people who are retired have an underlying fear that they might outlive their pension or 41K or whatever. That’s not even what I’m thinking about, I’m thinking about how short retirement is compared to employment and seniors are barely fit enough to enjoy it. Just everything is starting to feel pointless. I can’t let these morbid thoughts win though.

I want to add value to people’s lives and do something I am passionate about. I have that goal. Honestly, I was starting to feel depressed yesterday and I managed to figure out why. That goal of mine is just a dream. I’m sad because a dream is just a wish that the heart makes. I am not doing a damn thing right now to make my dreams come true. I am not goal-oriented. Well, I can correct that. Just the thought of starting to take it seriously makes me tired and lazy and bored. Nobody is truly bored and lazy these days. We’re just afraid. I’m just afraid anyway. I don’t want to grind. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to feel not good enough so I am cleaving to every distraction as possible. Again, I can correct that. I am catching myself trying to fall for that big trap of waiting to feel like it. Motivation is garbage, it ain’t coming. I got to woman up and just do it. Just be it. Just do the things I don’t feel like doing. Sure, C19 is making things pretty challenging right now but I am a human being and that comes with the superpower of being adaptable. I need to be more adaptable. I am hella adaptable when I need to be and I should have more faith in myself that I can be adaptable every.single.time. Would I even have anxiety and depression if I learned how to be adaptable? Well, I guess I could find that out the hard way ya?

This has nothing to do with anything but I was overthinking some stuff and I am consciously trying to be careful about using the phrase I am. I am depressed? No, I have depression. That sort of thing.

Anyways, I suppose that I should stop putting the Tom in Tomorrow. I probably will lol. There is plenty I can do today so I better woman up and get shit done.