Entry 2 of 2 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Before I continue, there is something I want to say briefly. I DO plan on responding to notes! I have my last two entries (the 5/6, 5/7 entries) open and will respond soon. I just… I don’t know what it is. Sometimes my dumb brain or heart get in the way of me communicating and… I’d rather not engage others directly in those moments because when I speak.... even if it is type-speak… I’d rather be clear from the brain cobwebs or the heart heaviness.

Anyway… topic 2! This one… is going to require some pretty significant backstory to bring you all up to speed. Sorry!

MY Personal Back Story:
I was an actor for a long time. A long time. 15 years, in fact. But after my first year at college, I decided I didn’t want to continue to pursue that as a career. I knew that my dad had always wanted “one of his sons” to be in the clergy and ultimately… I was the most likely candidate. My talents and abilities are exclusively words… spoken, written, read, researched… my gifts in this world are words and pretty much nothing else. Besides, the first religion class I took in college (to see if I wanted to go that direction) was taught by someone who had personally studied the Dead Sea Scrolls… so that was awesome. Not to mention that when I was in Confirmation when I was 13, the pastor said I had an academic curiosity in religion and a heart so full of faith, he wouldn’t be surprised if I entered the clergy! SO… I got my undergraduate degree in Religion and took a tour at a Seminary to see if I really wanted to be a Pastor. Ultimately, silly to think about now, I decided that my choices were either (a) additional schooling to be a pastor; or (b) additional schooling to be a lawyer. Well, at the same time I had friends going through a lot of emotional shit. And shit that was… common… at that point (for them). I had a friend that was allergic to latex and so had honestly been using abortions as birth control. Just get on the fucking pill (my words), which she would refuse because then she’d gain weight. I had a friend in an abusive relationship and would run to me any time she needed someone to listen. I’ll listen, but start protecting yourself, dammit! (my words), which she would refuse because she honestly loved him and I couldn’t understand that. Not to mention the number of my friends who were doing drugs, having relationship issues, and then “honestly couldn’t figure out what the deal is” when their life wasn’t going the way they wanted it to. Internally? I exploded. I do not have the kind of patience or emotional understanding to deal with people like this in a way that respectfully reflects the love, grace, or understanding of God. I have the “I want to shout at you until you get your shit together” urge. I have the “if you followed the fucking rules, maybe life wouldn’t CONSTANTLY SUCK for you!” kind of patience. So I figured… clergy was out, lawyer was in, and prosecutor especially. Because I can’t sit and listen to some giant douche tell me we need to sue so and so because money. Nor can I respectfully sit and defend someone that I know isn’t looking for grace and a second chance but just doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. Prosecutor for me!

MY Brother’s Personal Back Story (through the filter of my observations and perspective):
My brother was an honest to God artistic prodigy. Fucking gifted child renaissance fucker. Sculpture, painting, sketching, charcoals, pastels… if you wanted to see something done in art, this fucking kid could do it. AND THEN he started getting personal instruction. First from family members who were also artists, then professionals. He went on a tour and masterclass in Disney Animation before he was the age of ten. He had a painting in one of the state’s largest art museums when he was in Middle School! He decided he wanted to take up photography… won a college scholarship in his first competition. This kid was a fucking Greek god of Art by the time he was 18. BUT decided he wanted to go serve his country in the military. Because, didn’t mention it before, he is also physically impressive. Tallest man in our family, fit, does triathlons, leads the community water polo team, considered to be extremely attractive (especially now that beards are very in). So… attractive, physically fit guy (with no chronic pain or illnesses), and a brilliant artist… goes into the Navy. Gets out in 4 years, goes to college (pays for part of college by selling sketches for textbooks!), goes to what was then called the Medical College of Georgia for a Master’s Degree in Biomedical Illustrating. Does such a good job there that when he graduates, one of his TEACHERS asks him if he wants to start a business. That business now does a million per year while typically sending my brother to huge Tech Conventions. Meanwhile, the woman he is married to? Met her as a freshman in high school… so they’ve been lifelong friends. She’s beautiful. Like… conventional Scandinavian beautiful. Blonde, skinny, athletic (also does triathlons and 5ks). And their marriage is amazing. Married for 15 years as of this year. Not to mention, my beautiful niece. In other words… as everyone who knows us emphatically realizes… He’s Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’m Danny DeVito. He’s the beautiful physical specimen with an artist’s eye and talent. I’m the short, stocky guy that can con people decently. He’s able to make his marriage and family thrive. My marriage fell apart. He takes a God-given talent (art) and turns it into a million dollar business. I take my God-given talent (performing) and turn it into a podunk prosecutor scthick. This is our world.

So my brother talks to me last night. He’s got big news. Partially due to all this COVID stuff freeing up a bunch of his time, he decided to apply to an on-line Seminary and get a Masters of Theology degree.

Intellectually, I’m happy for him. This is his choice, doesn’t involve me in any way, and if he wants to go after it, I support him and am proud of him.
Emotionally, I’m fucking enraged. He’s already got THE LIFE… the family, the money, the physical health, the easily observed talent… he’s got everything. Now he’s coming for my degree? He doesn’t have enough to fucking do?

And when I asked him about why he wanted to do this… he said it was because he was thinking of trying to be a teacher at our church… maybe a part-time pastor or something. WHAT?! Okay. Fine. Awesome. Fine. The only thing I offer to my family or the world is my brain and my ability to perform. My brother got everything else that was of any quality. He provides our family with a next generation, wealth, physical fitness. He is the likable one. He’s well traveled. The only two things that set me apart at all… were my Religion Education and my Law Degree. That’s all I had. But now he’s going to take the whole “formal education in Religion” thing… and do it better. Not just a B.A. but a full Masters (not sure if MA, MAS, or MTS). Hey, if he gets bored enough after that; he can get his JD and make me entirely redundant. I’ll just be the leech brother with chronic pain, an ex-wife, and a small town job who pops up every now and then to teach his kids that “there’s always someone worse off than you.” So hey. I guess I won’t be redundant. I’ll be an excellent teaching example to children about what not to be.

(YES. I acknowledge how petty all of this is. I know that I never even entered his mind when he made this choice. He wanted to get another Masters Degree, had time and money to do so, and selected a topic he is interested in. It just… for the guy that has so much already… I guess I do have petty feelings about this idea that he’s going after one of the few things that was, in some way, mine).