Entry 1 of 2 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

A few quick things:

(1) I had an entry I was working on that I’d rather like to finish and expect that I shall; but it is not conditioned upon such frivolities as temporal proximity. For example, if I am going to wax philosophical, I needn’t save it or spout it at a certain time. However, again as an example, if I were going to discuss news or a specific event, it would make sense to discuss that as close to the event as possible for relevance. For “journalistic integrity”, it would be best to research and verify; but even with those additional steps, it is important to communicate quickly in such events.
(2) That being said, I shelved the entry I was hoping to complete for this weekend but still reserve the privilege of finishing it and releasing it whenever. Unfortunately, it is an examination of something I would very much like to discuss within myself which means the issue isn’t going to depart or change any time soon.
(3) Thus it came that I wanted to write THIS entry as I received news from my brother last night.
(4) However, I also wished to discuss THIS element of the weekend and found that I was considering writing 2 entries for today and splitting them up.
(5) One of the items I wished to write about is sufficient for a full entry; the other is not.
(6) Therefore, you get this entry… an Entry 1 and 2 of 2 entries planned.
(7) Actually, no. Change of plans. As I began writing, I realized that (were I to allow notes) there would be some who would want to note on both parts and my habit of writing entries that cover various different things can sometimes complicate that. THUS, final decision, two entries.

And that, my friends, is how I think. That is a very direct look into how my brain processes. Let’s begin.

As I too often do, I shall discuss the second matter first as that will have the least to detail.
2: I did encourage Martha to stay here this weekend to offer assistance. There are many reasons for it and none of them are romantic or sexual. The dog is far more easy to control when she is about. Her eyes are far better than mine (I need a new Rx and the glaucoma). She notices things in a much different way. And… I had a suspicion. I have been out of work before. I have had days turn into weeks turn into months where I just wanted to do SOMETHING with myself. I assumed that Martha was likely reaching that point or at least was aware it was setting in. Thus, by having her here I could kill several birds with one stone. She could do the yard work she loves doing and be reminded that she has a bunch of shit still here that she wants to either “sew up and repair” or “sell on ebay”. Both missions have been accomplished. But there is another victory that I did not plan nor did I anticipate… because it is a victory that, in order to be a victory, must be a surprise.

You see, I am reminded again why I do not wish to be married to her and why I do not wish to live with her. We can be friends/friendly. We can get along. We can even work together. But unstructured time between the two of us is… it is not fun, it is stressful (to both of us), and she irritates me to no end. While having a conversation or watching television, I might have to go to my phone to speak with a judge or return an urgent work e-mail. If we’re watching a movie that bores me, I might play a cell phone game. That’s my cell activity. Martha? Has gotten worse. Not that I’m surprised by any of it but… Tinder has been very successful for her. And speaking with boys via her cellular device has become its own kind of cell phone game that she can focus on to the near exclusion of anything else. Not to mention her penchant for criticism. So… while I am happy that she is here helping with Nala, picking up leaves, and pulling weeds… and she is stating how she is having such a good time doing it because it has been a long time since she’s felt like she’s actually accomplished anything or done anything.... I realize all too well how mismatched we are.

Though, too, I also realize how important it is for me to have social connections. My home did get a little out of hand. My kitchen was an absolute disaster area. My dining room table unusable. The dust on the floor and surfaces in some areas thick and heavily visible. It was in a position that, were I to have friends or family visit, I would have spent many days cleaning. But… for just me… knowing that I shan’t have any visitors for many months still… it just… my own aesthetic or even health benefits matter little to me (a problem, I am aware). But at the same time… it all seems… pointless? Why spend 8 to 10 hours a day working, 2 hours a day walking/playing with the dog, 2 to 3 hours a day “cooking, cleaning plates, and daily hygiene”… and then… the rest of the time? Working out? Dusting and vacuuming the house? Learning to repair the appliances? I mean… this may be ridiculous but if I only have 10 to 12 hours of my life to separate into “sleep, R&R, social activities, or voluntary activities of a non-essential nature”… I need to dedicate at least 7 to sleep and with my pain levels that means bed for 8 to 9 hours SO I can sleep. And honestly… so much of my work is stressfully being involved in the illegal activities and emotional drama of everyone else that… I really need time to unwind. So… yeah. Unless I have a very specific consistent reason to bust my ass and miss out on a relaxation activity or sleep… it is hard for me to actively chose that activity over the relaxation or sleep!