I'm NOT crazy! in A day in the life...

I've had a pretty bad couple of weeks. I was staying up for 48-72 hours straight, then sleeping for 16. I was forgetting I had done something (like taking my meds) right after I did it and didn't know whether or not I should take them and risk taking a double dose, or not take them and risk missing a dose. I was also stumbling a lot. On my 48-72 hour jags I was moving furniture around, hanging pictures on walls, cleaning out closets, going through storage totes to see what was in them....it was pretty bad. Then I'd sleep for about 16 hours, then start the cycle all over again. As of now, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. The past few nights have been better sleep-wise, but the days without sleep escapades really took a toll on me emotionally. I went and saw my therapist yesterday and was so jittery I could hardly sit still. Then I started sobbing. Then a little later it was like a switch was flipped and I was all happy and smiling.

Today was another down day. I went and got my hair done and my stylist and I usually talk talk talk. Today I hardly said a word to her and afterwards I felt so guilty. I just didn't know what to say....it was like I forgot how to act in public.

One thing I talked to my therapist about that is really bothering me is something my husband does. If I'm having a down day or am crabby and say something that he doesn't like, or doesn't like the tone I used, he'll make a comment such as "forget to take your meds today?" or "getting your crazy on?" I was sobbing and kept repeating to my therapist, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy! And she just listened and let me cry.

Please don't misunderstand, my husband is not a malicious person....not in the least! If anything, he's the total opposite. But ever since my hospitalization this past November I think he's been a little scared himself. He doesn't understand mental illness, and when I'm having one of my days I think he gets frustrated because he wants to help me but knows that he really can't, so he tries to use humor. What he isn't getting is that when he says stuff like that it really, really hurts me. I know I need to tell him that, but I need to do it when I'm in a more stable mood. Maybe tomorrow....we'll see how it goes.

I also have another idea. Let me know what you think. Next time he makes one of his "crazy" remarks to me, I think I'll smile sweetly at him, walk into the kitchen and pick up the large butcher knife, go and stand in front of him and caress and look lovingly at the knife and say "you know, I think I am feeling a little crazy tonight...maybe even a little homicidal." Opinions, thoughts?

Another sign I'm not doing well: I went and got my hair cut today. While my stylist was washing my hair she asked if I had noticed that I was losing more hair than what's considered "normal" when I shower. I told her I didn't think so and asked her why. She told me, and let me feel it, that I have a little round perfectly bald spot on the back left side of my head. Thank goodness my other hair covers it, but yeah....a HUGE sign I need to de-stress NOW!

I know getting back to the gym would help. I haven't gained back any of the weight I lost, thank God, but I haven't been the gym in a few weeks now. I know working out is a huge help with depression, and I have to get back to it. I'm leaving this Monday to drive to Chicago, then on Tuesday I'm flying to San Diego for a week to see my son and daughter-in-law. Hopefully that will be a stress-free visit, and when I get back home I can get back into the gym routine.

A bit of good news....I'm pooping regularly again. Sorry, that's all I could come up with right now...lol. OH, WAIT!!! I believe I mentioned that I started court reporting school three weeks ago, right? Well, so far my GPA is 3.7, or an A-. I'm pretty damn pleased with myself for that :-)

Anyway, hope everyone has a fantastic weekend. Much love! xoxo

*EDIT: The trip to San Diego has been put off until May. I have to have my steno machine for when the next course starts on April 14, which requires a $500 deposit, and right now it's either order the steno machine or go to San Diego. I spoke to my son and he told me getting the steno machine was a priority and May would actually work out better for him anyway, so it's all good :-)