7 yrs. well. actually. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

not quite. tom. it’ll be since here it’s the 2nd.
um. it’s been almost 7 yrs. since i overdosed. od’d on wine and pills. benadryl. and lately..........i’ve been thinking about evan a lot mainly cause he was there that night. i’ve pieced together most of it. but like what did we do that day? or maybe i slept. i did that a lot back then.
he must’ve...........i mean he must’ve been at my place since the 1st. of may since i remember he yelled at me that night. as he should’ve. the night of the 3rd the overdose. he was ‘you haven’t eaten in 2 fukin days!’. that was. the extent of the yelling about that. i don’t, remember the argument too well before. the overdose. i mean. how else exactly would he have known that? that’s why i think he was at my place since the 1st. of may that yr. he came and went. and he was free to leave whenever he wanted. so long as i knew somehow. i don’t............i know the 4th. we went to the festival downtown.........was that the day i encountered the ‘horse w/ no name guy’ the homeless guitar player or? maybe it was............did i stay at evan’s that night? i. i mean maybe..........again. as i might’ve mentioned. um. like i remember events but not when. they happened. i’d overdosed before but not. like that............i had in college a few times um. just pills. i. i mean i don’t think i died............i don’t vividly remember a whole lot. but i do remember. i kept ‘waking up’ from having passed out...........so. but i still............think that. due to the overdose i’m not. supposed to be here. he gave me milk apparently. actually i kindof do remember that.
but maybe. i’m not supposed to remember the sequence of events yet. after. like what happened and when after we got back from the festival. i think i’m not actually.
every. yr. i suppose since. well really since july 2019. [ok so i’m spacing it out.]. i’ve been textmailing him asking him to call. i textmail the cell numbers i have for him. i’ve still not gotten er acquired. i mean. yes i’ve still not acquired more envelopes or stamps............to write [well type up really] a letter..........stating that. our friendship has ended for now. i think. it’s cause it’s the right thing to do and i’m someone who wants to do the right thing. not that it always happens of course. it’s sad i mean it’s really sad. i don’t want to do it through textmail. or email. or through his mom or um Pat’s mom. Muriel.
am i happy? every so often back when we’d talk on the phone. there’d be a pause in conversation and he’d ask me that. he’d go ‘how are you doing? are you happy?’ i mean that’s a big question. like uh jeez start w/ a smaller like one like your fave color. purple and yellow. that’s 2. no um. but anyway. since i decided to end the friendship. i mean. i can honestly say yeah. regarding that. not always of course. but i’m better off. he taught me. indirectly just from knowing him. why, i don’t want kids. he taught me. what it’s like to be friends w/ a crazy person. like sorry. he taught me...............oh god. there was a lot of tension in our relationship. a lot as followers of my blog know.
so then. the 13th. of may of that yr. 2013. [and don’t ask me how i remember the dates. i just do.]. i. moved out of my place. that was a big day and it wasn’t a good one either. i know, i’ve still not detailed it yet. and i don’t know that i want to right now. so it was either. in the 10 days in between the 3rd and the 13th. or sometime in april. i tripped on nyquill. and that’s not a fun trip no it’s terrifying.
and then.............oh. right but when i moved out i moved back in w/ my parents. so it took me untill. like july to recover. eating-wise at least.
but i did crazy stuff in my 20’s. well i think everyone has. when i was 25, 26 i took up smoking cigs. i was never addicted. just curious. only for a short while have since stopped.........um. and more pills. yeah i’d be high on pills and i’d just wander around. i mean like in cherry creek. like in a place i knew. and before i had that experience. i never understood what my sister meant when back in HS i’d ask why she did that wandered and she’s ‘bc that’s what you do.’.
yeah i drank. [well i do that now.].
when i was 2.............26 i mean. march 2014. i moved in w/ a lady for 3 months. and i’d go to the store and get like hostess or w/e. and i’d purge. go to the mall by my mom’s do the same thing. that was back when we had the safeway.
so then. in may of 2014 may 13th actually funnily enough. i moved into stephanie’s. for like 2 yrs. give or take. there was lots of chaos mainly from me and lots of freedom within that chaos. er i mean the chaos. was due to the fact that. i didn’t like her so. we argued. a lot. but there was freedom to do that. bc i didn’t like her. the pills thing happened. niacin this time. tripped balls. actually. it’s funny bc that was from pills evan had left for me. like wow. no but he gave me freedom. even if he didn’t like or agree w/ my choices. yeah i got sick at stephanine’s. there were a few times my anorexia got really bad. cause of her stupid food rule. i drank her liquor. [well i mean she knew about it so.].
and then some time ago. i moved in w/ the lady i’m living w/ now. the .my last night at stephanie’s stephanie threatened me. not i mean not randomly. but she did.
i’m not purging anymore. i don’t smoke cigs. or in general er or pot. i mean. i don’t argue like ever. w/ people. and my anorexia has gotten better. not great but better. i don’t do the pills thing. [that’s also why i don’t buy pills. that and my depression.].
yeah things have calmed down a lot. [well i’m also not in my 20’s so.]. physically anyway. but it’s boring. there are good parts. a lot actually. evan i aren’t talking though. there were some good parts there too. stephanie isn’t in my life amber isn’t in my life laura isn’t um valerie isn’t. thank god. the ladies i don’t like. i liked evan [oh he’s still here] but, ya know. it’s not in the cards right now. i don’t need evan the way i used to or i guess at all. and i don’t mean that in a bad way. no i just..............well the night before my 25th birthday was when we met. and then didn’t bump into each other again untill jan. and then............well. in march. but see Pat had died in march of that yr. of 2013. and he was our best friend. so we latched onto each other at a time when we really needed each other. and then for me for a few yrs. after. like i described above. i think. regarding the overdose. i couldn’t handle it. in dec. of 2012 i’d been. well you know ‘that’. raped. in feb. of 2013 my ex i broke up. [another person who’s no longer in my life. also i don’t like him so.]. and in march like i said.........and then may of. of that yr. 2013.
crazy times. btw. i’m aware i haven’t explained laura and her no longer being in my life. i will in an upcoming entry.
but yeah wow. 7 yrs. almost.
well. thanks.