Days Gone in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

It is acceptable to mourn what is lost; even if what is lost is in pursuit of something greater, better, or smarter. If someone had to cancel a trip they were looking forward to and instead stayed with their ailing mother to be there for her as she died? That person has done an important thing but is also allowed to be sad about missing the trip. Not because “the trip is more important” but because when you lose something, anything, you are allowed to have emotions about it.

That is why I am allowing myself to feel down this week. I am in the office more… our State is opening everything back up despite having some of the highest percentage increases in COVID testing just over the last seven days(!)… I am wearing a mask a shit load more because I can just about guarantee you that we’ll get a second wave, and it will be worse for the Rural Areas that pretended they were immune to COVID prior… so I am embracing and accepting that Stay Home, Stay Safe, Don’t Hold Parties, Don’t Travel to See Friends/Family… all of that is for a damned good reason. Hell, I just got the following from an attorney:
“My wife is a family practice doctor in (Iowa County w/Population of 40,000) and they are seeing one heck of a COVID-19 surge! She was extremely upset to hear that we were opening up the state, which never closed down in the first place, this week.”

SO… by NOT subjecting myself and others to further exposure to COVID19… that’s good. My immune-compromised ass doesn’t want to die at 35/36 and I don’t want to be responsible for potentially getting anyone else sick or dead. That isn’t fear, that isn’t oppression.... that is love, that is the freedom to do the right thing. But I still mourn.

My closest friend in Des Moines had a birthday on Monday. MBFITWW has his birthday today. And ultimately? Today was supposed to start an epic weekend.
MBFITWW’s birthday, followed by May Day Friday, followed by Free Comic Book Day Saturday, followed by My Birthday, followed by Star Wars Day Monday, followed by Cinco de Mayo on Taco Tuesday. But all of that is cancelled. No trip to DM for Friend’s Birthday. No trips to Indee for MBFITWW’s birthday. Nobody coming to visit me for my birthday. Free Comic Book Day has been cancelled. Star Wars Day will be quite a different experience this year. And Cinco de Mayo on Taco Tuesday?? I’ll put it this way… the State may be damned foolish enough to open back up; but individual businesses are still making good calls. The Best Mexican Restaurant in the area will remain closed/Carry Out Only until further notice. They know that Tuesday would have been an impressive day for business and will be ready to meet whatever orders for carryout come in… but they “do not wish to put our employees or community at risk”. Good for them! So… I mourn that.

Then I received official word that the Prosecutor’s Lake Learning was cancelled for the year. I knew it would be but hearing the cancellation is still sad. Okoboji cancelled, officially. Canada cancelled, officially. Japan trip cancelled, officially. The only fun thing I’m looking forward to that hasn’t cancelled so far is Anime Iowa… and the only reason they haven’t cancelled is because the venue would royally fuck them if they cancelled for anything short of a Force Majeure clause. And with our Governor being an idiot… even if the talent cancels, there may be a fight over whether a Force Majeure clause can trigger.

So I am reminded once again of the words of a small boy who asked his mommy about COVID restrictions. “So, all the fun stuff is cancelled but we still have to do the work stuff?” Yup, lil’ buddy. We still have to pay bills, work, feed ourselves, take care of things… but travel, events, and most of the distractions we have developed for ourselves outside of our home are on hold now. That isn’t fear. And I’m so sick of all of these “Open businesses, open beaches” assholes saying it is fear. If I’m staying home, cowering, refusing to do anything… that’s fear. But actively trying to do what I can to make sure that our Nurses and Doctors aren’t so overwhelmed and burnt out that they commit suicide? Actively trying to flatten the curve so that a disease which CURRENTLY has impacted 1/5 of my state (let alone states with larger and more dense populations) and is continuing to infect? And how’s this for upsetting.... current research suggests that we don’t know enough about COVID yet. We responded because we needed to curb the deaths; but looking into it? This is more than just a killer. This attacks lungs, heart, kidneys, brain… and we don’t know if catching it and getting better gives an immunity. Ultimately, we still DON’T KNOW ENOUGH to be confident about almost anything in this matter. You may call caution “fear, panic, and oppression” but others would call it “caution, patience, and compassion.” I’m disgusted by how many people are freaking out about haircuts and nail salons at a time when the UNITED STATES (of all places) is now essentially using Freezer Truck Morgues and mass burials. Cuz kiddos? Yeah, I’m upset.
I’m very upset.

I wanted this year to be filled with visiting friends and travel. Trying to build a life with people in it again after so many years of “taking care of my wife” who in turn refused to take care of herself. I would love to visit my family and friends in California, Washington, Illinois, Arizona, Missouri, Colorado, New York, Florida, Kentucky, Virginia, Iowa, Texas, Minnesota, South Dakota, Ohio, Nebraska, Indiana, or D.C. I had a dream just last night that I finally got to visit the U.K. I would love to hit up the bars and the social activities and try to find someone, even if just for a weekend, to hang out or make out or whatever may be. I would love if I didn’t have to cancel TWO out of country trips. Do you not think my mental health would be a lot better if while I am still working in Criminal Prosecution, I could be with family and friends? But I’m not angry and oppressed in my being upset. I’m simply… upset and struggling. The people holding signs declaring that it is their choice whether to get infected or infect others? That’s something different. That is something I could understand from a certain perspective… and choose not to. Because for far too many of them? Their actual understanding of the law, the Constitution they think they’re invoking… is too shallow and too corrupted by other factors to even discuss the matter rationally. So… I’ll sit. Sorting through many more requests for State intervention for kids… as not surprisingly and in accordance with my prediction, we’re seeing more kids getting molested since they’re home with their abusers more now… and as those things weigh on my heart and as I can’t go to Up/Down or River Tap to feel better… I’ll be here.

As my BFF said about all of this?
Unfortunately, yeah. “Be responsible and protect yourself” The resurgence of measles in a country where the disease was essentially eradicated gives us a hint about how well that works. “If people want to still stay home, that is their choice” Yes, because big companies have done such an awesome job of respecting the health concerns of their workers. There is no way they would count anyone who chooses to stay home as quitting their job and dispute unemployment benefits. There is no way they would tell that employee that there are millions of people who would “be grateful” just to be able to work right now. There is no way that this could go horribly wrong when there are a million confirmed cases in a situation where most states have tested around 1% of the population.

For a wild change, I’ll actually keep notes open this time. I’ve been keeping them closed because frankly? Fuck some of y’all. You come here to yell or pontificate or denigrate or work through your own issues via projection… and of ALL times, right now I don’t need that shit. I’m too busy, again, dealing with an entire community’s criminal horse shit while trying to deal with my own emotional stuff. But for today? Fuck it. I was supposed to have 7 days of social interaction starting today. Might as well get it where I still can.