Bad Wolf in Current Events

I’ve been pretty quiet on here, by my standards anyway. I don’t know how to word what I’m going through. I feel like I’ve been conned. Like I bought into something that was a lie and I feel betrayed. I feel like I am pinned between two worlds and that the direction I am heading is the one nobody wants me to go down. Are we ready for more existentialism? I’m never ready. If you have been following me you know that I have been on a bit of a journey. A spiritual awakening is what I like to call it because it is about embracing the world of the unknown, the inner world of emotion. My material world was not working because my inner world was not working. It wasn’t the content in my life that was hurting me, it was the context. There has to be more to life than this. I’ve since unlearned so much about myself. I’ve let go of so many limiting beliefs about myself and this world. I stopped agreeing to believe that we are all separate. That I am this in this body and you are that in your body. That means that I am not letting myself belong to a group identity. I am trying to empower myself as an individual. So now I’m tossing and tortured all night because I am trying to understand what it means for me to be in this world.

I spent most of my life playing the victim. I grew up believing that there was something wrong with me because of my heritage. That there is something wrong with me because of my sexuality. I believed that I did not have the same opportunities as others. That belief deflated me. It disempowered me. I never tried hard in life because I felt that I had to work harder than everybody else just to keep up. That people were always going to try and knock me down. It created shame in me that gives me social anxiety. I’ve been asking myself what happened to me? I need to own my story. Well, I believe that it came from the left. The political left that is. Even today the left is always telling me that I am a victim. That I am a few steps behind everybody else. That I do not have the same opportunities as everybody else and then, on a silver platter, they give me people to blame. I feel like I was programmed to believe that I am separate and that white, straight, thin, rich, cis men & women are my enemy because they have more than me. Do I really not have the same opportunities as them? I can’t agree to believe that. There are rotten people out there but they’re not all that is out there. I am pretty ignorant when it comes to politics and even though I am aware that we all are just agreeing to believe in this reality that we cocreated where have borders and laws and leaders I still had to come back down to earth at some point and learn how to participate. So I’m trying to induce a political awakening for myself and to my surprise, now that I have embraced myself as an individual, I’m more conservative than I thought. I don’t know how to defend the ideas on the right. Telling somebody that they don’t get to have an opinion because they are not the same gender or race as you is just not an argument. My inner social justice warrior is dying because I do not want to make men an enemy, I don’t want to make white people an enemy, I don’t want to make rich people an enemy because of a history that I am not living in. Just the narcissism of it all. So I don’t know what my political values are exactly and where I am on the political compass but I just feel betrayed by the left. That the real racism and sexism came from there. Are there gay conservatives out there? I don’t know where I fit right now or what to think these days. I don’t like to share opinions on here but I think I might start doing that. Not to provoke anybody but to get some healthy dialogue going so that I can understand this big bad world. You guys are far smarter than I am. Politics never felt inviting to me because it was always painted as this hostile sensitive thing where all I had to do was give the left my vote and they would just take care of me. I can’t say that I agree 100% with the right but there is room for more than one opinion over there so I dunno.