Yell At Me in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Obviously, this is nothing new. But still part of where I am. I’m not suicidal, I’m not sad, I’m not even really depressed per se. I’m fatigued. I’m existentially fatigued. I’m of a mood where I just want to quit. Everything. If it is something in my life right now… I want to quit.
I want to quit doing laundry and cooking.
I want to quit taking care of Nala and making sure she’s fed, exercised, and loved.
I want to quit “going” to work every day and trying to piece other people’s lives back together.
I want to quit being alone in this house.
I want to quit feeling adrift.
I want to quit spending my life trapped in cycles of “care”… where my energy has to be devoted to work and maintenance and staying as “on top of things” as I possibly can.
I want to quit being legally obligated to care more about certain people than they care about themselves.
I just… I want to quit… everything right now.

Or maybe when we get right down to it? Whether my failed marriage or this current global pandemic… maybe I want to quit wondering why I’m required to care about other people and nobody is required to care about me?

Working on literally zero sleep… the first thing I have to deal with today is a woman whose husband beat her. Except they both work at a “Care Facility”. A place that needs their workers. And in these trying times everyone needs a job. But there is a valid No Contact because of course there is. So, this Care Facility is going to sack her. Because punish her for calling the police… not him for breaking the law. So what are my options? How do I fix this? What is the right thing to do? That’s my first fucking thirteen seconds of my day. After which, I have to review the phone messages that poured in “after hours.” Shit like, “There’s a business open in my town and the cops need to shut that shit down!!” Dude… I appreciate your perspective and your passion but Iowa is not a Shelter in Place state. As ridiculous as it may seem… the Adult Bookstore in your town is allowed to be open despite current COVID restrictions. And let’s sit down a moment and really talk this out, huh? You’ve been calling our office about this business before COVID because you’re morally opposed to its existence. Don’t change tactics just because you hope this time you’ve got the magic set of words that will purge the “godless heathens” from your precious fucking town.

Guys… I’ve officially “been at work” for all of five minutes. FIVE MINUTES.

I need a little bit more in my life than facetime conversations and other people’s misery. I need a lot more in my life than that.