it's all the same to you in Second 1st

It’s 3:13 am- I had made chicken tacos in the crock pot for dinner yesterday. When Rocky got up he called the doctors office to see about getting his return to work paper filled out. It has to be turned in 3 days before his return to work according to the paperwork he was given. I don’t know that to be true now because they had released some COVID specific rules as far as FMLA goes. I saw them, read them, then moved on and didn’t bookmark of note where I had seen them. I do recall that Return to work papers would not be required because it would put too much of a strain on the healthcare provider.... but that was a website and not his job. He had called the doc and no one answered. They have a machine but Rocky hates leaving messages so he decided we were gonna drive down there.

I had the beginnings of a migraine and if I just kept my head still it was fine so I was on the couch playing games on my phone. Told Rocky and he says well you better take something now and hope it starts clearing before we leave...... honestly I just wanted to stay right there. I’m a good .... I’m a good… I took the damn meds and felt a tad better so we went.

Whilst there he went in alone and I played games in the car. When leaving he decided he wanted some coffee at McDonald’s so we went through the drive-thru..... He asked how my head was and I told him I was about to take the second migraine pill I had brought with me because the first one had done something but not nearly enough. He asked about the ibuprofen .... told him I’d taken Asprin instead because I’m out.... so he decided we were going to hit Publix’s ....

They have arrows on the floor to point people in the right direction so there is no having to pass someone in an isle. No one cares...... there were maybe 10 people in the store that weren’t employees......

We went home, Rocky said he wanted Subs so we ordered online from Firehouse. Went and got those. When we got back he started a fire and I ate my sub. It was missing all the things I had asked for that weren’t the main sub..... and it was a size smaller than I’d requested. Rocky’s stuff was fine. I was done eating before Rocky finished getting the fire started. We watched 5 episodes of NCIS after that..... then....

I made myself 2 chicken tacos.... and put the leftovers away ....while I was in the kitchen a series of thoughts bombarded me. Ï cooked and he’s not going to eat it”, “I spent the morning alone”, “I always cook, we’ve been home a month and he hasn’t once”, Ï’m so tired of this shit”...... the problems with this line of thinking is timing..... he actually did both dishes and laundry the night before right as I was going to bed actually..... and .... it’s that time of month.... and anything I bring up now is “because you are emotional”.... just because I’m emotional doesn’t mean the points are not valid..... but he obviously does not hear me when I”m not crying about something so you can bet he’s not going to hear me when I am.

He’d asked for Pizza the other day and we had ordered it. It was missing a topping so he had called and gotten credit on our next order. We are going to order again today..... So right before I went to lay down I said “We will have pizza tomorrow but the night after that you are going to make me dinner”.... he was confused but agreed and I went to bed.

I laid there and watched the speech by our state governor ....he will not be extending the “stay-at-home order” past the 30th. Businesses will begin to open back up Monday.... and I suspect Envision will go through with their expected reopen date of the 5th (I’d go back the 8th).

Rocky came in to check on me during the Q&A and though I was strong in the beginning it didn’t take long for those tears to come. Those stupid anti progressive fucking tears that seem to cancel any resolve I had at all. I just started blabbering about all the usual stuff.... and I did state how it was untimely because I know he did housework yesterday....but I pointed out that we’d been home for a month together and he’d not cooked once and I was just asking him to make dinner. It’s really not that big a deal. Then “The world isn’t asking anything from you right now, Rocky and I’ve told you being up half the day without anyone I’m getting lonely. We’ve been over this but the world doesn’t need you right now for anything. Now leave me to my stupid corona crap and go watch the damn TV. I may or may not watch the President then I’ll go to sleep”..... all that said while crying :(.....

He came in at 11:10.... I got up and went to the bathroom.... then went back to sleep.... nothing said..... I woke at 2:40.... and it’s taken me 45 mins to write this out..... I grabbed a body pillow on my way out of the room and plan on laying back down in the guest room. My ear is loud and I really should try to go back to sleep....