Surveys and Thoughts Part 1 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

First, I’d just like to say that I am reading my favorites and friends on Prosebox but find that I am not noting almost at all. Not for a lack of care, not for a lack of interest, but simply… a lack of spirit on my part. We’re all in various stages of fatigue by this point anyway. As for myself, I probably have a better situation than most… employed, working, no children draining my energy, no immediate friends or relations sick or in hospital.... but then there’s the pain that haunts me constantly and the fact that I am already on a CPAP, thus I’m quite confident catching COVID could be VERY bad for me… I don’t know. Just feeling fatigued.

As for work today… we’ll see? My hearings were almost all continued but our officers are running into people with open warrants a lot more (for some reason, many assumed that Stay Home instructions meant they could wander the streets and were immune to arrest). Now to state the previous sentence better… we are not Shelter In Place and there are no criminal consequences for doing whatever you damned well please as an individual right now. But if you have an arrest warrant out, you can be arrested. So walking about, thinking Stay Home protects you from an arrest warrant is a bit foolish. That said… something is happening today or tomorrow guaranteed and I’m not sure exactly what. We got new paperwork that establishes criminal guidelines for violating Orders of the Governor. In reading them over, one of two things is likely. Either the Governor is about to release an order of Shelter In Place with criminal consequences attached… or she is going to extend Closures and is worried that businesses won’t comply. My money is on her extending closures. At this point, calling for Shelter in Place is a matter of pride. She hasn’t done it yet, she’s closed businesses and repeatedly called for Stay At Home, and wants to come out of this able to say that she “zealously defended the rights of the individual!” So it is almost assuredly the fact that she is going to extend closures and knows (because it is our State) that some businesses will tell her to pound sand and re-open anyway. And for those in other countries who can’t imagine such a foolish risk to public health, I’ll direct your attention to Florida, South Dakota, and Michigan. The concept of “freedom” in America is… an odd one. Freedom doesn’t mean freedom from illness, freedom from poverty, freedom from starvation… the only two freedoms America really cares about are (1) freedom from “oppressive government intervention” (though that is obviously subjective and defined differently by many people); and (2) freedom to be as stupid as you want to be.

Wrapping up the thoughts portion of this: Something struck me about my last public entry. A lot of people were encouraging me to not care about other people’s opinions, be strong in my own beliefs, and exercise the option to filter/ban/etc people that are being upsetting. So it got me thinking where I’m coming from in regards to all of that. TRUE, my mother was/is a chronic people pleaser and wants everyone to like her. So I do have to own that influence. But, as with many things, I also think it goes back to how my pain expressed itself as I grew up. As should be expected, chronic undiagnosed and unmanaged pain has an effect on a person’s mind. In my case, it rather sent me into extremes. Almost manic to almost depressive. Because the thrum of the pain in the background, I’d willfully push past it which made everything that came out of me… a bit more forceful? So instead of being “the class clown” I’d be the guy that reenacted an entire episode of In Living Color. Instead of being the “depressed poetry kid” I’d be the guy that wrote epic self-involved dark poetry for days on end. Which ultimately led me to start relying on others. Because being yelled at wasn’t just “someone was angry and expressed it”, it was “this person hates you and wants you to fail.” So I learned to crowdsource just about everything. Granted… I’ve been diagnosed and medicated for 14 years now. I no longer necessarily need to crowdsource anything. But as I mentioned when I very first started writing in Prosebox lo those many years ago: after 21 years of not being able to trust your own feelings and perspective… it becomes a habit and a crutch. And clearly, something I need to work on.

01: What are you wearing? Blue Sweatpants and a Gray VEISHA t-shirt

02: Ever been in love? Yes, I honestly think I have.

03: Ever had a terrible breakup? Most enthusiastically yes. In fact, there may only be 2 or 3 breakups in my entire life that weren’t absolutely terrible and dramatic

04: How tall are you? 5‘7” to 5‘8”

05: How much do you weigh? 212 pounds, or a little more than 96 kg, or a little more than 15 stone

06: Any tattoos do you want? I’m always thinking of getting tattooed and have many ideas but… as I’ve not done it yet, perhaps I never will

07: Any piercings that you want? Not really. I’m not averse to piercings nor getting one of my own, I’m just not exactly the kind of person who really desperately wants one

08: OTP? That is WAY too vague. Because that is like taking all of fiction that exists throughout history and time and asking “Who should be together?” Even looking over my video games and movies, I simply can’t narrow it down much!

09: Favorite Show? Gosh, throw some out there… BtVS, BtAS, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Rick and Morty, Stein’s Gate, What We Do In The Shadows

10: Favorite bands? 311, Storm Seeker, Baby Metal, Celtic Woman… I have… a very diverse musical palette

11: Something you miss? I miss excitement and connection these days

12: Favorite song? 311: Down, Storm Seeker: The Longing, Baby Metal: Megitsune, Celtic Woman: Sí do mhaimeo

13: How old are you? 35

14: Zodiac sign? Taurus

15: Hair Colour? Brown with ever more increasing greys

16: Favorite Quote? “Everyone feels pain in their own way. Everyone has their own scars.”

17: Favorite singer? See Favorite Bands

18: Favorite color? Green, Black, Purple, Red

19: Loud music or soft? ALWAYS depends on the music and the context

20: Where do you go when you’re sad? Typically depends on the kind of sad. Existential sad means nature; personal sad means basement; professionally sad means my parents

21: How long does it take you to shower? If needed, I can shower very quickly. But I prefer to take my time and enjoy the hot water as hot water does wonders for my body. Or a nice looooong bath.

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Again, I can do it in 10 minutes but I’d prefer to take longer when I can

23: Ever been in a physical fight? Not exactly

24: Turn on? Intelligent, witty, compassionate, sexual

25: Turn off? Cruelty, mean-spirited

26: The reason I joined Prosebox? OD disappeared

27: Fears? leaving behind no legacy (not just children but really any impact on the world)

28: Last thing that made you cry? The marriage failing and feeling cut off from humanity

29: Last time you cried? Either last weekend or the weekend before

30: Meaning behind your name: My true name when translated backwards means “Small volcanic follower of Christ” but my PB Name is a reference to Batman in that his parents were murdered in Crime Alley, official name Park Row

31: Last book you read? Book 2 of the Sprawl Trilogy. I really have been meaning to start Mona Lisa Overdrive but I haven’t found the time between work, dog, house care, and everything else. Which is just silly considering I still manage to watch about 2 hours of television a day.

32: Last song you listened to? The Longing, Storm Seeker

33: Last show you watched? Star Trek: The Next Generation was on as I fell asleep

34: Last person you talked to? E-Mail: The Victim Witness Coordinator at Work. Phone: Magistrate. In Person: Across the street neighbor.

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Martha was the last person I texted

36: Favorite food? I’m weird. Depending on my mood either Shepard’s Pie or Pizza.

37: Place you want to visit? Japan, Ireland

38: Last place you were? The Office

39: Do you have a crush? A few but fat lot of good any of that does me now or ever

40: Last time you kissed someone? The answer is depressing so I’ll just say “My dog yesterday”

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? I’m insulted quite often as I am a prosecutor

42: What color underwear are you wearing? No underwear at present

43: What color shirt are you wearing? Grey with red and gold lettering

44: What color bottoms are you wearing? blue

45: Wearing any bracelets? I don’t often wear jewelry

46: Last sport you played? I honestly can’t remember the last actual sport I participated in

47: Last song you sang? Sí do mhaimeo

48: Last prank call you remember doing? I have never pranked as even when I was a child I found it juvenile and beneath me

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? I suppose you could say it was at some point over the weekend when Martha came to see the dog

50: Favorite movie? Too many! Journey into the West, Fist of Legend, What Dreams May Come, Blues Brothers.... like I could go on for pages, lol