1 month 3 days post op in Pudendal Decompression Surgery

Just a warning that today was a really bad day. I will put some TRIGGER WARNINGS I guess about mental health, depression and what not. If you don’t want to read about these things I suggest you don’t continue.

Some days I think my pain is bad/ horrendous and its at a ten and then I wake up with it EVEN WORSE and I am left here scratching my head. I have been having major trouble the past two days. I have no idea if it’s the way I am sleeping or what but the burning pain in the ENTIRE distribution of the nerve and areas he worked on is horrendous. Its a mixture of surgical pain and nerve pain and it extends all around my leg and back by the ST ligament areas. I have no idea if my body is just tired of laying down so much. Probably. Or if its healing. But this has been one of those days where I am just begging for an end. Like an animal in a cage. I need to be put out of my misery but nobody will let me go.

I ask myself things like....
Will I ever be able to go out in public again?
WIll I ever have sex again?
WIll I ever be able to wear underwear again?
Will I ever be able to wear pants again?
Will a stim unit placed on the nerve roots be an option?
Will I ever not DREAD sitting on the toilet for the nerve pain that will ensue later?
Will I someday cry tears and not feel the acidic feeling from all the medication I am taking?
Will I have a day that I am not scared to eat for fear of it getting stuck there and hurt?
At this point will I be able to walk again?
Will I ever be able to look at pics and vids of all the normal people and not want to break down and cry in jealousy?
Once the world goes off lockdown I am still stuck in the prison cell.
I know I have done a lot of bad things in my life but what did I do to deserve THIS?

I feel so far away from all these things. I know I am only 1 month 3 days post op but I feel like getting back to where I was even before the surgery much less BETTER is next to impossible now. I am trying to reach more people that suffer with PN everyday. I have gotten some good notes. There are people like me. They give me hope to go on. The people I have talked to keep saying, as long as were alive. We have to fight.

COVID 19 roars on
Virus damage report: Globally, we have 2 million cases. The USA now has 636,350 confirmed cases with 28,326 deaths and 52,096 recovered. That is about 555,928 presumably STILL SUFFERING or RECOVERED that have not been reported. I have been staying away from watching the news as it causes me un-necessary anxiety. I am tired of people blaming people. I am tired of hearing the same shit over and over again. It’s now becoming more necessary than ever to wear face masks. I am tired of hearing about race and coronavirus. We are all affected in some way or another. People are beginning to get their govt money deposited in their accounts. All we can do is sit in our houses and wait.

Last updated April 16, 2020