The State of General Hospital in Thoughts On...

Thoughts On…General Hospital

So it is the big 50th anniversary/birthday of General Hospital this year/last year not really sure which calendar year actually, and they have been bringing the heat so to speak.

Right now we are knee deep in another Cassadine party of failure as Prince Nikolas and evil doctor Britt are hosting their own engagement party. Britt’s momma, the super-evil Dr. Obrecht has been threatening everyone in sight basically, even going so far as to push partner-in-crime Brad the lab guy off the parapet. But don’t worry he just landed in some, what I would assume, stinky and wet hay. That after she threatened to cut out his tongue with a dagger/bladed weapon that I assume she kleptoed from the Windameer castle. Luckily Brad’s bed partner Lucas showed up to assess the situation.

Luke Spencer has been in rare form since he was sprung from Miscavege, the very lacks mental institution. He called Monica a whore to her face and told her AJ deserved what he had coming. All this after he proposed to Tracy, who accepted. He then went on to lecheressly hit on Kiki which has been hysterical. And then to his one-time step-son, Nikolas, said in reference to Britt, “She’s a nice piece of ass.” And then the stunner of all…he’s the one backing Julian, not returned-to-town Ric like everyone was lead to believe.

The question begs to be asked is Luke, Luke or is he Frank Smith? Isn’t Frank Smith the mob boss everyone thinks is dead? I mean would that not jive with the whole bringing back the past vibe GH is going for? Or maybe Cousin Bill Eckert? There is not a lot of information out there on either character and after more years than I care to name of watching this, things are a little hazy as all the twists and turns that soap operas are has clouded my brain. I don’t think Luke is Luke. I don’t think he is brain-washed or on drugs, I think they doped Luke up and switched him with Imposter Luke. But then I also thought they should have kept Michael Easton on as Caleb the vampire so…

Baby Drama Rama. Every soap needs a good baby drama once or twice a year and GH has provided us with two and Lulu & Dante have been at the center of both. First Lulu can’t have children and has a lack of supplies in the ovary department (they are empty). So they harvest what they can and mix it with some Dante man juices and create a little mini me which they put into Maxie. Then the dog shows up and Maxie loses the baby and immediately hops into the pants of Spinelli and conceives a child that she plans to pass off as Dante & Lulu’s. Oh and Ellie knows the truth because she broke every HIPPA law ever created. And Britt is blackmailing Maxie because she wants to have Patrick all to herself. Well Maxie tells daddy Frisco what is going on and he threatens Britt, but that’s okay because she has a new plan. She is pregnant with Patrick’s child. Only later we find out it is not his baby, it’s Brad the gay lab tech-director. Maxie gives birth to baby Connie (bad time for Connie to die as that was the name chosen for little Falconeri). Then she decides she wants her baby and all hell breaks lose. There is court room drama as Spinelli is awarded custody and Maxie is told she can never see her baby (I don’t think there is any legal standing for this as I would think the father who was awarded custody could make decisions about who can be in his child’s life, but I am not a lawyer and that doesn’t fit in with Spinelli & Ellie taking baby Georgie (thank god they changed her name) and moving to of all places Oregon. So now Maxie is childless, Dante & Lulu are childless and there are no more little Lulu eggs and her embryos that were on ice were ordered to be destroyed “mistakingly” by Ellie (what a conscientious lab tech). By some sort of strange magical karmatic god, little baby Ben (Britt’s child with Brad) has a rash, an allergy to some funky shit that only a few people have and it flares up. Guess who else’s same allergy flares up at the exact same time? If you guessed Dante, you would be correct. Luckily Nurse Elizabeth is on the case and manages to snag a fancy pants hairbrush that Britt uses on Baby Ben and Felix manages to snag some Dante spit and a DNA test is run and thus Nurse Liz now knows that Dante is baby Ben’s daddy and takes the evidence to Nikolas & Britt who claims she had no idea, that her mother was in charge of everything. Dude, why would you let the mother you seem to hate anywhere near your lady parts? So Dante knows he’s a daddy and Lulu is an emotional wreck because she can’t have a baby and blah blah blah. Cry me a fucking river already. Oh they can’t adopt because she totally neglected to tell the adoption agency that her mom was catatonic, her father-in-law is a mobster, her dad has drinking problems and was responsible for killing his grandson. So really who’s fault is it.

Britt has a brush with guilt and Brad convinces her to write a letter to Lulu owning up to stealing her embryo and then burn it. So Britt does that. In the conference room at General Hospital on the back of a flier for the Nurse’s Ball. Then she puts the wrong piece of paper into the envelope and burns that. Meanwhile little Cameron (who I am sure was the first character in soap history to be de-aged) makes an origami heart for his true love Emma. Ric takes Liz to the big engagement party and Cameron tags along because Spencer (who is the most annoying child to have ever graced the screen) has invited his true love Emma. A battle of sorts ensues and the origami heart is left on the floor and Elizabeth reads the letter to Lulu on the back and then takes the letter to Lulu and thus now Lulu knows that Baby Ben is her son and just so happens to confront the baby stealing Britch right as she and Nikolas are toasting their guests and their engagement.

See, nothing good ever happens at a Windameer event. Emily died, Katherine fell off the parapet. Only accept an invitation to an event there if you are a calculated risk taker and/or suicidal.

We also have a bit of a side burner “murder” mystery going on. Silas Clay had a wife, who we have not seen and we only know as Nina. She apparently is not dead, but is sort of dead. She is/was being kept in a home/hospital of sorts but is no longer there. Detective Nathan claims that Silas overdosed/poisoned his wife and has now done the same to a pharmacist. It appears the reasoning is that he had an affair with Ava that produced Kiki and for some reason he needed to “kill” his wife. Sam is now helping her bed buddy prove his innocence even though there is zero substantial evidence and lack of a body. Nina’s mommy dearest arrived in town to get Silas to sign over his claim to Nina’s money but he won’t because he wants to see her and mommy dearest isn’t biting that line. Also, Detective Shirtless all the time Nathan is Nina’s brother. Because that is how that shit always works and Sam is apparently to stupid to look into his background. Great PI she is. Oh and just so you know, Detective Nathan is subletting Maxie’s apartment and she will be blowing into town any minute so be ready for the hate/lust relationship to take place.

Oh and Sonny shot AJ and feel super guilty about it, but only because he lied to Michael, not because you know he tried to kill someone. Also, Carly is boinking Franco. Patrick is going through a total rough patch because his bitch wife left her family (after returning from a two year being dead spell) to save Jason, thus showing that her love lies not with her family but with the mob hitman with brain damage. Also he is going to be a daddy with Nurse Santiago, who has been apparently in the GH bathrooms barfing because we have not seen her recently. Lucy is married to Kevin but banging her old partner-in-crime Scott, who weaseled his way back into the County Attorney’s office. Monica is no longer chief of staff and that apparently has left her void of any medical knowledge as she acted like a complete space cadet with AJ in the hospital. But she is still a whore according the Luke. Sorry that was hilarious.