Love, Life, and Gigolos in Ultimate Randomness

So I am sitting here past midnight catching up on this season's episodes of Gigolos and I swear, this show still amazes me. And I keep learning new things every time I watch the show. It is amazing not only to see the respect these men have for women of all ages, body types, interests and so forth. Personally, I feel about the same way about women. There is something sexy, something beautiful about any woman. What these guys are good at is helping these women see it in themselves and explore what they want. Generally, when it is over, these women walk away not only fulfilled but feeling a new sense of self-worth, or satisfaction, or some other emotion that has been brought out of them by these guys. I was about to say that I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a man crush on these guys, but I kinda do. There is something about every one of these guys that I admire and wish I could find in myself. Nick is so driven that there isn't a challenge that he is afraid to tackle, but he also has an innocence that is hard to see if you aren't looking, but you see it in a couple of the episodes, namely his fanboyism over Buff Bagwell, a pro wrestler, and the episode where Brace's dog dies. He portrays himself as a hard ass, but there seems to be a genuinely good, sweet guy in there. Brace is the older guy of the group, not old, but he has a wisdom and insight when it comes to life in general, and women specifically. He seems to be the one who is willing to go way out of his comfort zone for someone else. Ash is the free spirit, philosophical one of the group. He definitely has the ability to keep an open mind and an open perspective on everything. Vin, I think, is the most giving of the guys. He definitely is the most orally fixated one at least. He tends to be the best at dealing with odd situations. Then there is Bradley, the Marine, the home grown boy. He seems to me to be the one who just embraces everything life hands him and will go to any length to fulfill a fantasy. The fact is all of these guys truly love and appreciate women. You can see it in every encounter these guys have. But the other thing that I am kinda jealous of is the friendship these guys have with each other. Sure, I am also kinda jealous that alot of the encounters look like how I wished my sex life with my wife was, but it is the friendship I am most jealous of. That relaxed comfort around people who are similar to you. I used to have that with my three friends back home. We could catch each other at work, get some dinner and crash at one house or another, play games and watch movies and joke around. These are guys I could tell anything to and fell that there would be advice, but no judgment. Ten years after my move to Tennessee, those relationships have changed. I think my relationship with my friend Mike is pretty much the same, and it is easy for us to fall into the same conversations and the same routines when we talk or see each other. My other two friends, things have changed alot, not really for the better. There is not much communication between us at all anymore and it makes me sad. Things can be the same when all of us get together but I rarely see any of them separately, except for Mike, who has come to visit me a few times here. I don't know what my problem is really, but I have had an impossible time making friends since I moved here. It could be that as my depression has set in more and more over the years, I have become less trusting of people in general. The last four years in particular have done nothing to help that. Actually, it has done the opposite. I really have a hard time seeing the good in people anymore. Then again, when your experience is that most guys have no problem sleeping with a married woman if there is no consequence to the action, what can I really expect? Kinda makes it hard to trust guys. Kinda makes it hard to trust women too for that matter when it seems like most everyone who read my wife's diary and some of her friends were a little too encouraging of her actions. Not that I can talk. I never said anything, so what should I expect? But my capacity for trusting people with my feelings is pretty much out the window. I have probably 2 or 3 people who I trust completely with my feelings, and that is it. And I have a hard time seeing myself opening up with new people. The point of this entry is that I really wish I had some of the characteristics of these guys. I really do appreciate women of all types and I try to be sweet and kind and say something nice, but the confidence and trust and contentment, those are things that elude me. Happiness too. That eludes me and I think I am at that point where I really don't expect things will ever change. I am fairly well stuck in my ways and have no idea how to change things without changing the core of who I am, which I would prefer not to do. Maybe this is just how things are supposed to be. Maybe I am supposed to be alone and unhappy. Lord knows, not everybody gets to be happy. Some of us are meant to struggle. But without happiness, what does life mean? Struggling every day just to struggle some more the next without happiness is no life at all. And even brief periods of happiness just seem to make the unhappy times worse. When I look back on the good times I had with my wife, it doesn't make me smile. It makes me sad and hurt, knowing I won't have times like that again. When I look at the past, I see all the things that I wish I could change and almost nothing that I wouldn't. Also not a good way to live. So what do I do now? I am not going to kill myself, though I may wish I was dead nearly every day so I could stop feeling so bad. I am not likely to change the person I am. 32 years of being this person is too hard to change in the midst of everything else. I can keep hoping for a horrible accident that takes my life or a robbery gone wrong, but I am not that lucky. I have done pizza delivery for the better part of 10 years all together and I have not once had a single hint of a problem. Not sure if I am too cautious by nature or what, but not one little issue. So what is left? I am killing myself slowly with my diet and lack of exercise, but that could still take years and I really don't want to live to see 40. The prospect of eight more years of feeling like this makes me want to crawl in a hole. And I really wish I didn't have anyone who cared about me. It would make it easier to just up and walk away. Be a homeless guy. But there are too many people who I would hurt if I did that and most of them want to try and drag me out of this funk kicking and screaming. But what would be the point? The meds can help the chemical cause of my depression, but changing my way of thinking that has developed over 18 years is alot harder and, like I said, I don't know that I believe that I am able to do it. And if I can, how long will it take and what will I have ruined before I do? Many, many questions to answer and no belief I will find those answers. Oh well...