In Response in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Lately there have been a few entries that inspired many similar notes. To respond to those notes individually with the same response is a possibility but I figured an entry covering those matters may be more effective.

First, as to height. I suppose my father is the primary reason for many of my “sensitivities” as the height element falls under a broader umbrella of “proper masculinity.” You see, for my father when he is verbally attacking those whom he perceives are his enemy, he is quick to go the oldest school yard bullying tropes. Height is one of those as it means that the individual is more likely to “compensate” in aggressive and hostile or aggressive and foolish ways. Therefore, my father mentioning the man’s height in conjunction with the man’s failure to maintain his marriage is my father equating those two failings. Essentially stating that, were the man not to suffer from “Short Man’s Disease” he would have been more capable of sustaining his marriage. Certainly not an excuse or a justification; but at least a bit of reasoning.

Second, as to spending my current time focused on myself. Strangely, I think I have a few ideas of how best to achieve this. But I do wish to again state my present sense of… odd, bizarre… perhaps even cognitive dissonance. Due to the lightness I am feeling with Martha’s absence… I’ve never felt better. I feel more capable, more free, more… gosh… more almost everything than I have in a long time. And I do even feel more confident. But… I suppose the best way to phrase it is through a diagram… that I’ll have to explain through prose… so forgive me if it seems weird. Did you ever see those “Perspective Squares” in a communications class? The diagram that explains what exists and how our awareness or ignorance to something affects that? I’ll try to isolate the four blocks:
There is WHAT YOU KNOW YOU KNOW
There is WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW YOU KNOW
There is WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW
There is WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW YOU DON’T KNOW
I’m kind of in a similar situation with my confidence and my self-image these days.
I feel fairly confident while maintaining the knowledge that there is still more I could do to become the man that I wish to be.
I feel confident that there are social abilities that I have developed over a long lifetime of acting, politics, retail work, and lawyering that will “trigger” on their own when I need to use them.
I know that I honestly don’t know how to flirt or engage in a light hearted flirtation.
And obviously I don’t know what I don’t know.
But more to my original point that I haven’t even alluded to (lol) is this:
I know that I am a kind, patient, sensitive man. I know that I’m not hideous. I know that I have a house, a dog, a career, and compared to a lot of other people could be considered to “have my shit together”.
I don’t know what women are looking for. Obviously, I expect that there are women in the world looking for a guy like me… but I am in a business that cannot abide assumptions. ESPECIALLY when those assumptions may run counter to available evidence. So that’s why I am where I am as far as ego and self-image.

AND all of that being said? I do have a selfish, naughty, perhaps less than noble confession.
While my sex life with Martha was certainly insanely less than ideal (like… I think I can honestly say I’ve had sex less than 30 times in my life… DEFINITELY less than 50) there’s the added element of.... I waited a long ass time before having sex. And my only relationship that involved sexual intercourse was not a relationship that involved much sexual intercourse. Nor was it a relationship that explored at all in regards to sexual intercourse, foreplay, kink, or turn ons. And I’m wondering if that plays a unique role in how I’m feeling about certain things these days. Because… I imagine every person going through a divorce or a break up or something like that has a moment or twelve when they think, “will I ever have sex again?” And I think, whether this is fair to say or not, I’m feeling that a little more… pointedly. Because I’m not some guy that had multiple sexual partners, then got married, then after years of marriage got divorced. I’m the guy that had one true sexual partner with two “possible, maybe, depending on if you count…” and then just my wife from 21 to 35. And with my wife, of course, no oral sex or experimental anything, or discussion of kink, or embracing of what may turn me on individually. So for me it’s more than simply, “Will I ever have sex again?” and moves into the rather overdramatic (but rational) “Will I ever have these experiences? EVER?!”