Days off go way too fast. in Since OD is shutting down....

I finally got my phone back up and running. It took me until midnight to download all of my apps and log into them. I really hope I never have to do a factory reset again but glad I can put off buying a new phone for awhile. I woke up early this morning but then slept until noon. Tomorrow is going to be my last day working all day long on Sundays. I got my new schedule and I'll just be doing the 4:30-8:30 Sunday through Thursday and that's plenty until the semester ends. The all day shifts on Sunday are a little much for me because I don't get to eat until way late and I'm always afraid it's going to wipe me out for a week like it did about a month ago.

I have managed to watch a good movie, get dishes done and pick up the house some. I really want to feel depressed because I'm hanging out by myself but honestly, my days off are so precious to me I wouldn't have it any other way. There's this girl that is friends with my ex that has hit me up over Facebook wanting to hang out because her and her husband are wanting a 3 some deal but then proceeded to tell me I'd have to come pick them up as they don't have a car and they would have to bring their puppy along as it can't be left alone. Wow, there's so many things to say about that. I told her I got called in and I would be in touch. She then messaged me a few more times, asking for my phone number and asking if I could get her a job where I work which isn't going to happen because she's someone who doesn't keep a job and I ain't about to have anyone make me look bad. I just don't understand how people survive in this world without having cars, jobs and have to be completely reliant on everyone else but I've been used enough and am more than okay doing my own thing instead of just being used to find people to occupy my time.

I was sitting here earlier and I had come to realize that I'm in a way better place now than I've been for probably 3 years. I think now that my ex is no longer around (and never will be again) and the car thing is over and done with, I feel at peace. I don't feel so anxious, angry, worried or sad anymore. I know that these things still hurt but they don't hurt nearly as bad anymore. I can honestly say that I know someday I will be fine. I want so badly to hate my ex or still care about him but my feelings are now stuck in the middle. I have to accept that everything happened for a reason. He did make me believe in love again but because I wouldn't let things go, I got hurt. He told me very early on that we should just be friends but I didn't accept that because I was in love with him and knew I couldn't just walk away. It sucks to know that he gave me my out and I probably deserved to get hurt all because I didn't take it. I thought if I stayed with him, i would prove to him I was for real and everything would be great but the longer I held on, the worse things got because he just quit caring. I understand now more than ever he wasn't (isn't) ready to be in a committed relationship and isn't capable of even treating women like human beings. All he cares about is fucking whoever is willing to give it to him and I have let him go so he can do whatever makes him happy. He has way too many issues within himself to ever allow a relationship to go too far or even for too long because he doesn't want to have to change anything.

It's going to take me awhile to truly be okay with the things or people who have hurt me so badly but my hurt is subsiding. I believe that all of this is going to lead me to better things. I have to believe that. Everyone keeps telling me that it will so I'm trying to keep the faith and believe that they are right.

I admit that it does bother me that my ex gave me an out and I didn't take it. I was just so in love with him and it makes me question if I'll ever love someone like that again. I do know that if things get that ridiculously hard with someone ever again, I will walk away a helluva lot sooner and definitely not put in as much effort unless they are. I also was trying to fix someone who not only didn't want to be fixed and all it did was break me. The last 2 boyfriends broke me because they were broken. I don't want to be with a fixer upper. I want to be with someone who just wants to love me, honor me, respect me and treat me like I've always dreamed of. I don't want to ever deal with the same trash again.