Stress just never stops. in Since OD is shutting down....
- March 22, 2014, 4:30 a.m.
- |
- Public
So I wake up this afternoon and was so content laying in my bed all comfy and warm but wanted to get up and go make the car payment and run to Walmart. Well, my internet on my phone stopped working so I had to spend a half hour on the phone with tech support trying to figure it out. Needless to say, they had to do a factory reset and the fucking internet still didn't work!!!! This was hours ago and I still don't have internet! So, if it's not working by tomorrow I get to go back to Walmart and talk to tech support again and try to figure it out. I really can't afford to buy a phone right now but I'm probably going to have to. Straight Talk has been my biggest headache for 2 fucking years now but I can't get into something with a contract because I don't have a huge budget my phone bill.
It just pisses me off because I can NEVER fucking relax on my days off. I am just so tired of replacing cell phones and having to spend money on cars or car expenses because it just seems like I'm never going to get ahead. It's just been me spending money on the same things over and over again and it's just so fucking old! I'm just hoping my internet will start working and I won't have to worry about it for awhile because I'd rather drill rusty nails into my toenails then buy another fucking Straight Talk. I'm just fucking over it.
I'm having kinda a weak moment right now. I'm sitting here in my recliner and whenever I look over at my couch, I think about how my ex would come over and he would sit on the couch and I would lay on the couch with my head on his belly and we would watch tv. It just kills me to know that all he really wanted was sex. He didn't care about our cuddling on the couch, eating together or doing anything else. As soon as we got done, he got dressed and left. He never treated me like I had feelings or that anything I wanted from him mattered. It's like because he got hurt he had to make sure to hurt me. I will just never understand why I even allowed him to stay in my life. There was NOTHING to hold on to at all. It's not like we had this beautiful life together and then everything fell apart, no, it was shit from the beginning and then just proceeded to get worse. I just can't believe how selfish and cruel he was to just come over and hang out and the whole time all he wanted was to get laid. That's all that mattered. I never mattered.
I know that I have to get over it. ALL OF IT. I know that I'm in a lot better place with this than I was even 6 months ago but it still hurts. I can honestly say he broke my heart, into about a million pieces and I struggle to understand why and what I can do to make the hurting stop. I honestly think that I still hurt all because I don't have a way to fill that void. I know that no one will ever replace him or how much I loved but it would be nice to find someone who would want something real with me. It just seems like everyone is all about friends or friends with benefits these days so I am beginning to doubt if I will ever find anything long term that means something. It just scares me because I know that I don't want to be alone much longer. I would love to have someone to share my life with.
Anyways, I'm gonna go to bed soon. I'm glad I have tomorrow off as well. Hopefully my internet will start working or I'm gonna have to buy a phone tomorrow. Not what I want to do but I can't be without my internet since i use it for work...
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