*Awkward* in Since OD is shutting down....

So work was okay. I stayed until 11:30 and then I met some guy at Denny's afterwards. I had placed an ad on Craigslist looking for friends/possible relationship about a week ago and have plenty of responses but all of them were flaky or weird or everything that's to be expected from CL. Well, this guy Brian seemed to be pretty decent. I liked him enough to actually want to meet up and see if we clicked. Well, he was very awkward, boring, and struggled to make or keep eye contact. I knew before getting out of my car that I wasn't attracted to him physically but hoped that maybe we could at least connect as friends and see how that went. Well, after an hour of watching him gorge himself on nachos, soda, and mozzarella sticks, I was just disgusted. He talked way too much and I couldn't get a word in edge wise which really irritates me so the next thing I know, he tells me that he just hopes that I don't have the wrong idea about us, that he was just looking for friends and blah blah blah which was completely fine with me but then proceeded to tell me that he "kinda" had a girlfriend?! Um, wow okay so I wanted to ask him if she would be cool with him meeting strange chicks off the internet but instead, I texted my bff and had her call with some "emergency" and I rolled the fuck out! I am more than okay with the whole "just friends" thing but I mentioned in my ad that I'm more looking towards something a little more serious and just felt he was completely disrespectful by telling me he had a girlfriend. I don't believe that whatsoever judging by how awkward and stiff he was but that really disgusted me.

Oh and the girl that wanted me to have a threesome with her and her man, well that ended abruptly yesterday. I was never really into it simply because I don't like girls that way and her man was not attractive at all but thought about it, mainly out of loneliness. Well yesterday after her telling me that it was basically be just to fulfill a fantasy for her man, I was just completely turned off. I was okay with it being a one time thing and then when she said that it just made me feel like I would have just been used. No thanks, I've been used enough. Then when I told her that I just wasn't comfortable with it and what not, she got pissed and said that I just didn't have the guts to go for something I wanted (her) and I was like okay well I'm getting back with my ex and only want to be with him and that she got even more pissed and told me not to text her again and that she wouldn't read it so I was starting to feel like she was going to just keep bothering me so I downloaded an app and blocked her number.

I realize now more than ever that meeting/talking to people from CL is just never a good idea. They are basically yesterday's trash that nobody wants. I am not trying to be mean or act like I'm the perfect catch but I've never met a normal/sane person from there and I took my ad down and plan to just leave it alone. It just sucks because all I really wanted was to find people to hang out with when I had free time but everyone either wants a fuck buddy or they wanna do stuff that I'm just not into.

Sometimes I think about wanting a fuck buddy but there's just too many things that can go wrong in that scenario. I'm not on birth control and am in no position to get knocked up, especially by someone who doesn't want any real commitment and I'm not getting back on birth control because I can't deal with the side affects. I'm also scared to death of STD's. Whenever you have a fwb situation, someone ALWAYS gets hurt. It's hard not to develop feelings for someone when you are sharing intimate moments and honestly, I don't want to have those moments unless it means something. The truth is, I've tried the whole fuck buddy thing and it just makes me more lonely and depressed. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy of someone to actually love me and want to be with me. I don't want to feel like that ever again so yeah, I'd rather just stay single than involve myself in a situation where I'm going to just get hurt in one way, shape or form. It's just not worth it.

Honestly, I know that it's best for me to not be in a relationship right now. Until I can start losing weight, being more comfortable in my own skin, rebuild from my past heartbreak and my car situation....I just couldn't give someone my all. I wouldn't want to ever put someone through a bunch of shit like my ex put me through. He wasn't sure of his own feelings and didn't really want a commitment because he just wanted to figure out himself and I understand that now more than ever. You can't force a relationship and you certainly can't make someone care for you when they don't even care about themselves. The way you treat others is actually how you feel about yourself.

It would just be nice to have people to surround myself with on my days off. My best friend has a boyfriend now so I can't really rely on her as much. I'm glad that she has someone but it makes me feel more lonely because for so long she was really there for me and I hadn't had that in a long time or maybe ever and it was what I needed. I really value her friendship and will never be able to thank her enough for listening to my tears, anger and me bitching about the same things over and over again. She's become a lot better friend then I ever imagined and I hope I never lose that.

I checked my school website and my teacher scored my assignment and gave me an A!! That makes me feel so much better about things because I've been upset about that for about a week and a half. I just need to pay closer attention to turning stuff in in the right spot. I have 2 more assignments due before Wednesday and plan to get them done tomorrow. I also have to go make my car payment and get batteries (for Wii controller so I can play my dance game) and get some blank cds. It looks like I'm going to be stuck with my POS CD player for quite some time since I can't get an exchange on the other one so I have to burn a bunch of cds because the ones I have are just too scratched and it's extremely picky. Just so annoyed.

I'm so glad that I'm off the next 2 days. I'm sad that school starts back up on Monday. I kinda missed it but I don't miss not having any new homework and having to actually go everyday. Next semester is going to be even worse because I'll have either 4 or 5 classes so I'll have to get up at like 7 to be there by 9 and stay longer than what I do now. It's stressful worrying if I'll be able to handle it or not but I just have to. I like school and am excited to start doing classes pertaining to my degree. I'm excited to be taking the summer off so I won't have to get up early hardly at all and I can just focus on working. I want to pay as much as possible on my car because the more I pay, the less I have to worry about long term. It really bothers me not owning my vehicle so I just want to get it paid off as quickly as I possibly can. I hate when I don't own my shit.

Anyway, it's time to go lay down, watch tv and go to sleep.