I Got The Quits in Current Events

I’m trying not to commit to my depression today. I saw it coming a mile away. I had a glass of wine last night because I’m a questionably strong codependent biracial woman who can’t get no man. I want to enjoy wine again. I think that I will have to embrace sobriety and actually call it… quits. My pile of quits is getting pretty big. It’s not the end of the world… not that my ego knows that.

My mind is going a lightyear a minute again. Category is… misogyny. I’m suddenly aware that I have so much misogyny programmed in my fragile little brain. I don’t know what is all in there but I can recognize how uncomfortable I feel when I see a woman showing a lot of skin, expressing her sexuality or speaking her mind about something I don’t agree with. It feels like misbehaviour when it isn’t. I don’t want my feelings, thoughts or opinions to have anything to do with how another person wants to express themselves. Especially when it is not actually hurting me. I don’t need to like everything. I have the privilege of not having to worry or think about it. Yay me. I remember when I got into an argument on Facebook with a teacher back when I had social media. She says that she expects girls to cover up because it distracts the boys. I was like, why do the girls have to do all of the work? Why can’t the boys in your class just learn to not be distracted? Why does everything always have to be about boys anyway? Why we got to call it “no self-respect” when it is our culture that doesn’t have that respect. Blah, the cultural shifts are all happening at once I can’t even keep up. Which fight do I fight today? Sexism? Homophobia? Carnism? Is it natural to be this connected to the rest of the world? Hurt people hurt people. Why is everybody hurting? How can I fix it? Blah.

I was watching more of the Moses code yesterday and one of the women explained how when she started her spiritual journey it was because she was trying to be a better person. She was trying to not be all of the bad characteristics that people told her that she was. Selfish, self-absorbed etc. She learned to talk in a nice voice and give things away etc. One day she was doing a seminar and out of nowhere a woman yelled out to her “You’re a bitch!” Then that woman explained, “if you were remodelling a house and they were six weeks late and over budget… don’t you think that it would help to be a little bitchy?” That was the moment that she realized that she created a belief for herself that if she got rid of all of her bad qualities then that would make her a “good person”. That was the missing piece for her. Her dark qualities do come with gifts. To evolve spiritually she needed to take her projection off of others and own and embrace that part of herself. To be a whole person instead. That she is a funny bitch. Her message got a little deeper as she explained how we’re all capable of being a murderer or a rapist with the right conditions etc. but my take away was that I need to let my inner diva out. To be a little bitchy to get respect when I need it and to get what’s mine etc. I used to judge the Susan’s at the stores asking for a manager. Now I think I get it. They’re just making their expectations clear and getting what’s theirs. I want to lash out at my doctor real bad. I’ll take some responsibility with this fiasco with my meds but I feel that there should have been some communication somewhere that my prescription was not permanent. I start a new job in a couple of days and I can barely stand up without wanting fall over. These dizzy spells are awful. I’m too young and supple for vertigo right? RIGHT? I know it’s the withdrawals from the meds. It will continue for a few more weeks and the only reason I feel like I want to continue that prescription is to get rid of these dizzy spells.

Anyways, I’m mentally constipated today and I just wanted to squeeze out some of this shit. Maybe the meds is a good idea after all. I’m trying Fuckitol but it isn’t working.