reverse stage fright in poetry

reverse stage fright is a serious disorder
reverse stage fright is the bane of my existence
reverse stage fright is the state
of only being comfortable
when you're on stage
in the act of creation
or the act of performance
or both
I suffer from
reverse stage fright

reverse stage fright is
only knowing peace
when making things for others
and having to imagine people naked
or in their underwear or whatnot
to be able to tolerate
being quiet or
not being social
or just chilling out
I don't know how to just chill out
I want to be up there
up here in front of many
or at home in solitude
creating ideas
to take in front of others
anything else makes me
nervous and weird
idle alone-time
is my very worst fear
I don't know why

reverse stage fright is
never being afraid of out at the front
shucking and jiving
beaming out noise
even when it isn't right
even when it's not a good idea
even when you should be
afraid

reverse stage fright is
maybe being afraid of getting it wrong
maybe being afraid of forgetting your marks
but never never never
being afraid of showing up
never afraid of being there
never afraid of that moment
and being desperately afraid
that this is the only time
you'll feel real
or coherent
or whole

reverse stage fright is the fear
that the creation
or the performance is
the only time you're ever worth
a plugged damn

all I'm saying is
maybe your stage fright is a good thing
compared to this
the alternative
maybe you're better off
all the rest of the time