long month. and tender. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so like i mentioned. it’s been a long month but i didn’t clarify how. and again. by ‘month’ i mean from jan. 19th - feb. 19th. not month in the. traditional sense. right so jan. 19th a sun. was when i found out Lane had died. um. i was drunk then. and on my period. which actually my period was ok although. i’ve mentioned this. i cried most days that wk. which. of course there isn’t anything wrong w/. oh yeah and then. apparently on the 23rd of um. last month it had been. 2 yrs. since my concussion. so um. yeah kindof hard.
um. and then like a couple wks. ago i guess i had malaise. er i don’t think that’s the correct way to phrase that sorry. no um well ‘malaise’. is a general feeling of unwellness. and then the wk. after i. felt a little better but still not great. right so around the 8th or the 11th was. it had been 7 yrs. since my ex & i broke up. i don’t miss him but it’s just. that’s why i don’t like val day. and i got lonely. like i miss being w/ someone but not. him ya know? i just. idinno i miss the physicality.
so apparently. on the 10th. of this month i uh. er. i mean it had been 2 yrs. since my last suicide attempt. like when my depression gets bad i think about it a lot. but that’s all it is, just thoughts. i don’t actually. you know activate anything. ya know what the really fuked up part is? i used my own brain injury to do it. that is. wow unbelievable. back in 2018. i think it’s pretty brave of me to admit both those things though.
let’s see um............right so last. thurs. i sprained my ankle. but i’ve already written about that i think. from the emotional to the physical. um and on the 20th. of jan. apparently. my mom’s good friend Karen’s mom. died and that just reminded me of my own recent loss.
i’m just. ug tender. like my face my head my ankle has been. although i was out in the sunlight yesterday cause well it was sunny. and that helped omygod. drinking helps. and sleep helps. cold helps of course. no and for some time i thought it was like. weird that’s one of the few things i like about winter. is the stillness of the cold. no other season is like that. [of course being too cold is. obviously not good. that’s why i don’t like ac. is i’m afraid i’ll actually get hypothermia. there’s not a lot to me physically so.]. but no that’s actually a biological thing. it’s called the mammalian reflex, or something. i learned about it when i used to watch that new show ‘the resident’ they had an ep. about it. so it’s not just me and i’m not weird. [well i mean i’m weird but not like. in that respect.].
right so. the.........nerves in my gums. and i might’ve written about this back when i had my tbi. well. in my middle teeth on the bottom. whenever they’re touched. it sends a shockwave of pain through them. and it’s been acting up. and it’s kindof an inconvenience. while i’m going on about my various medical problems. well i’ve had PN for a long time. which. for me means my feet are numb and. the nerves in my hands hurt. which is why i’m constantly rearranging them. i’m pretty used to it by now.
although. i haven’t had a big relapse anorexia-wise in about a yr. yeah i was thinking about that recently in regards to a recent news story. on tv. bc well i’ve been making an effort not to so.
so like yeah. long month emotionally and. and physically.
i’m a little. you know drained from all this.
it’s snowed a lot. here [‘here’ being CO] which means. other then this wk. my time out had been cut short. and that got to me cause i resent the idea of being protected cause. um. to me that means less space and i’m someone who needs. a lot of space.
things. as said have calmed down a bit though. but there’s still residual drained. emotional drainage. sorry.
again. thanks everyone.